The Idea of God

What is the difficulty in accepting the idea of God  if you accept the Theory of Evolution?

    When one is presented with a theory of evolution, one is actually being presented a hypothesis or deduction (to which no significant proven opposition exists) since it is supported with empirical observations of nature and logical inferences on top of that. Basically, it is like any laws of physics or chemistry that we have arrived at through keen observation by our five senses and logical inferences by our brains. People, especially those with structured training in science and allied fields or most thinking individuals tend to believe information reported by our senses. 

    But, they don't seem to perceive that the five senses we have been given are quite faulty in the sense that they report only relative data instead of data in absolute terms. For example, when you come out of a dark room suddenly into a brightly lit space, it will 'feel' brighter than normal initially, in fact, uncomfortably dazzling till it 'settles down' to a comfortable relative brightness in your perception.  Similarly, if you continue to eat sweets, they will tend to 'feel' not that sweet down the line though the sugar content hasn't changed drastically. It will 'feel' sweet enough only if you intersperse the eating bout with contrasting foods. That's why high-end restaurants serve you palate cleansers in the course of a meal.  We also know that inverted images formed on the retina are perceived upright by the brain. 

    So, we can say that a thinking individual must agree that the five senses are not the ultimate reporters of truth. Not just that - the laws of Newtonian physics that we take for granted on this planet fail to be true at the quantum (sub-atomic) level. So, these are no way absolute or immutable laws.

    Moreover, brain is not everything or the only intelligent apparatus in our bodies. It does not hold a prerogative on intelligence by any stretch of imagination! Every cell in our bodies has memory and intelligence of its own since they don't always take orders from the brain. In fact, it has been proved that our gut is our second brain as it does not take orders from our brain for the majority of its functions.  It collaborates with brain only in case of an emergency like in choreographing an exquisite vomiting action preceded by an unmistakable vomiting impulse. 

    In that sense, the theories like theory of evolution are limited realities in our best perception based on large amount of observational data. So, it can almost be likened to a best case estimate or even a faith in our data and perception. Besides, it is not like we are creating all these rules and laws out of thin air; surely, we are not their creators - we are just uncovering them. 

    These rules and many others that are quietly operating beneath the surface of our observation since the early rumbles of human existence. If they are already in operation without any of our help, we must wonder what prevents a thinking individual with scientific temper to not ask the obvious question? The questions like - When did it all start? Why does this go on, completely unaided to boot? What is the source of creation? Or, in fact, who is the creator? As human beings, we would like to believe that a human-like person or a superhuman has started it all.

    Some religions propose (and millions agree!) that superhuman like individuals appeared on the planet and pronounced canons and commandments by following which the lives of the faithful are redeemed. Hinduism, on the other hand is adept at concretizing abstract principles (basically thoughts that one can argue for, like I have tried to do in this blog). Hindu civilization in the Indus valley geography (before it was given the status of a religion by the colonizers) came up with a flexible definition of God. A tree is a God, an animal is a God or God's mode of transport, a book of knowledge is a God and even food that nourishes us is a God. There is one for everything and everyone - fully formed and described colourfully beyond doubt.

    It is actually an ingenious idea that there is nothing in this universe that is not God. God is immanent! Isn't that the Truth or Truism that the scriptures of this land and civilization proclaim as Mahavakya-s? They even engage a curious seeker of Truth in a dialogue and go on to prove these Truisms through sheer logic beyond any shadow of doubt. 

    A person who chooses not to believe in God is still believing in God's non-existence. A believer of a different kind and completely acceptable as a phase of one's journey or evolution! Every doubt of a skeptical individual makes the arguments in favour of God a tad stronger in the long term.

    If one has enough humility to bow down to the creation as something that is way bigger than oneself, one's beliefs, feelings and logic, one is on a sure-footed journey to God - to one's God.

The Sacred Walk to Kailash and Manasarovar

I recently discovered the "Songs of the River" by Shanthanu Moitra who immortalized his deeply personal expedition along the Ganga from Gangotri in Uttarakhand to Ganga Sagar in West Bengal. It's an extremely sensitive and thoughtful documentary that includes many extraordinary people, artists and artisans and change makers along the way in its embrace. It's a slow yatra suffused with ideas, thoughts, realizations and emotions. Some really exquisite photography brings these ethereal locations to life.

As I sat mesmerized by the Gangotri glacier melting drop by drop giving birth, as it were to the mighty Ganga, a thought crossed my mind. "I somehow travelled to Kailash and Manasarovar 7 years ago, but, THIS may be the closest I will come to seeing Gangotri."  I was motivated to record my yatra to Kailash & Manasarovar to the best of my recall before the words to describe my own experience dry up.

The realization of my dream to go to Kailash and take a dip in Manasarovar was prophetic to say the least. It was on top of a bucket list that I used to maintain for over 2 decades before I knew anything  much about them. For some reason, they inspired me deeply and ignited a quiet desire to be by their side one day.

Initial rumblings

I tried to go once in 2010, but, I faced stiff resistance from the family as they feared I might not be back in time for a family wedding. The next time I planned to go in 2017, I planted the seed in everyone a full year before my planned travel in order to sensitize and exhaust them of all kinds of questions and reservations. That worked. So, I wrote a quiet WILL and set off with Isha Sacred Walks to Kailash in the August of 2017.  Looking back, 50 to 60 was indeed the best age to go there when I had the longing and capacity in equal measure.

Before we set out in August 2017, I trained by walking 5 km a day for 3 months, come rain or shine. I met another anna (Satish) who lived close by and was going there in another batch during a similar time window.  In fact, we both shopped for our outerwear together and we even ran a 10km marathon in support of Isha Vidhya organization. 

Off to Kathmandu

The D-day finally arrived and we reached Kathmandu by a direct flight from Bangalore. Whatever the 15 day itinerary there was, was in complete shambles as our Kathmandu sojourn got extended by 3 days due to some visa issues. We took advantage of the time off to visit Pasupatinath mandir, some monuments and one of the kumaris chosen as the living Goddesses and worshipped by the Buddhists and Hindus alike. We also attended the much-awaited satsang with Sadhguru on one of the evenings. We were just 100 people and got to sit with Sadhguru in proximity.

There was a daily Guru Pooja, evening Satsang, preparatory videos from past pilgrimages relevant for the stage we were in and many co-travelers to share our excitement of being on this open-ended pilgrimage with. I soon gave up my fixation with itinerary, schedules and learnt to surrender to the higher forces. I would channel my usual angst and anxiety into a wish and a prayer to smoothen the path ahead.

Pashupatinath Mandir

Landing in Nepalgunj

Eventually, we got some assurances of visas etc. as our group had passports from all around the world before we moved from Kathmandu and flew to Nepalgunj - a Nepali border town quite close to UP. We were still in the plains and the town was not dissimilar to any small Indian town and the hotel served really good Indian food. But, we had very little clue of what twists and turns lay ahead.

On our way to Nepalgunj

During the couple of days we were in Nepalgunj, we would troop into Nepalgunj airport daily and wait to hear if the weather cleared for a small plane to fly several sorties to a small hill station called Simikot, close to China/Tibet border with Nepal. As days rolled by, we got comfortable with one another and everybody was friendly and generous being bound by a common intense desire to reach Kailash despite all the odds. Being a passionate singer, I carried lyrics of a few bhajans and chants to sing on the trip. While we waited outside the airport in a non-descript area, I checked with our volunteer coordinator Christine and started to sing. Several co-travellers joined in chorus as these were familiar to many while all the rest listened with rapt attention.  It was a beautiful experience for me and one that would recur several times - on the road, in the vans, in trains, in lobbies and in satsangs over the next 2 weeks.

Simikot - Nepal's one of many hilltop habitations

Most of us made it to Simikot on the second day but a few were left behind in Nepalgunj as weather suddenly turned inclement for the next few days. Those of us who made it to Simikot worked on short treks in the mountains, visiting small village temples, view points and water falls to acclimatize ourselves to high altitudes and attendant rarefied atmosphere. We were instructed not to shower or do any strenuous yoga other than a 20 minute Shambhavi Kriya (Pranayam, Bandhas and meditation) if we have already been initiated and have been practicing it. 

Just after landing at Simikot Airstrip

So, with all the time at our disposal, we would gather on the front porch of our sparse but cozy mountain lodge and sing, read or meditate or speculate on what lay ahead. I had even learnt a song I heard at the Isha Yoga Centre for a while and been wanting to learn. We spent the rest of the time gazing at the distant mountains and kept hoping to make it to Kailash. Food wise, cauliflower growing in the front garden starred in most meals and hot tea in big steel mugs was very welcome in the chilly mountain air. During all this time at Simikot, a handful of our group stayed stranded in Nepangunj without a flight to bring them to the hilly Simikot.

A number of visa challenges, potential detours and other twists and turns were kept from us but, the core volunteer team and the head coordinator (akka from Lebanon) were regrouping and re-planning all the while. Due to border tensions between China and India, visa to cross a nearby bridge into Tibet/China was ruled out. We had to abandon the plan A that we were on, stop trying to bring those stranded in Nepalgunj to Simikot. We packed all of our stuff back into the standardized and numbered bags and filed into the small airstrip that feels like it is on the edge of a cliff which only small planes can navigate on a good sunny day.

Plan B- Back to Nepalgunj

We all gathered in small groups wherever possible outside the main entrance looking for sunny patches. I would always be in a singing mode and there were many who would gather around with one request or another and be ready to sing along. It's not so much a performance but shared joy and abandon.  Eventually, several sorties took off to Nepalgunj before it was 5 PM. Ladies, older people were prioritized to go first as decided by the coordinators. At 5 PM, there were still 5 or 6 of us who were waiting for the last flight, but, it was ruled out due to weather and light conditions. However, our bags were already gone with the earlier batches and we faced the prospect of staying back overnight without any of our clothes and essentials. I don't remember any of us getting stressed about it too much as we were ready for anything by that point. This predicament lasted for an hour or so before we were given a ray of hope that a helicopter was a possibility and was quickly arranged with the local guides that were helping our trip.  So, it ended up with the last 6 of us getting lucked out with a serene ring-side view of various hilltops, almost all of them sparsely inhabited, in the golden hour as we scudded away to Nepangunj. I can only say that our joyous helicopter ride was topped by the enthusiastic welcome from the group already in Nepalgunj who stayed back at the airport till we were all together again. 

The last ones to leave - in style!

               

Off to Kathmandu and transfer to Lhasa

We were officially ready for Plan B which entailed us to return all the way to Kathmandu and immediately transfer to Lhasa which wasn't on the itinerary before. But, a big disappointment awaited us when Christine, our head volunteer coordinator told us that she won't be able to continue with us due to visa issues but that Samarth, a senior participant from Dubai and a seasoned volunteer will take on her role. Many of us who were just getting to know Christine and the selfless and efficient nature that characterizes her and other volunteers, had to bid her a tearful goodbye. I still remember Christine akka signing to me to continue to sing.

By this time, many of us started enjoying the liberating feeling of being uncluttered by 'What ifs' and unhindered by schedules. We were free spirits visualizing just one constant thought of making it to Kailash and Manasarovar with our own self-devised prayer on our lips.

We also felt we knew one another, their skills, gifts and general temperament without the bother of knowing their careers and credentials. I would generally sit in the front with access to a microphone and sing or asked to sing with many joining along for popular bhajans and chants. A lot of the songs were in Hindi and were part of the just released album 'Chandra Jeevan' by Sounds of Isha. I would also attempt a few evocative Kabir and Tulsidas bhajans I had heard by Kumar Gandharv etc. Their meaning and tunes are out of this world and uplifting. The travel and the long rides never mattered much and we were all, so to say, ready for the ride!

Train ride to Shigatse

After an overnight stay in Lhasa, we headed to the train station early next morning and got on a train to Shigatse. It was not a very long ride or we did not realize it as many of us were singing away the tuneful Chandrashekhara Stotram and other popular requests.  The co-travelers were kind and didn't seem to mind or perhaps, their enigmatic and stoic faces did not reveal much!

Road trip to Sago all along a river

We got into two large vans from Shigatse station to Sago quite a distance away. Before we did that, I think we had an Indian lunch as always at a place contracted for the purpose and we used the time to figure out who was signing up for a porter on the final Kailash trek. I decided to take one to minimize difficulties on that critical high-altitude trek. A lot of bon homie and snacks were shared by all. We found a roadside eatery for dinner early on that evening and we enjoyed so many fresh, steamed greens and veggies with hot rice. We were eating fresh veggies after a long time and enjoyed the experience thoroughly. 

The famous Chinese 'Dhaba'

We were supposed to reach Sago by that night and rest there. I didn't realize till 3 AM next morning that we were still in the van as we were impeded by landslides at various places and a swollen river was flowing just by us all night.  We reached Sago only after day break after a night of fitful sleep. The landscape and the towns got drabber and drearier as we scaled the altitude and were approaching the Himalayan tundra. The hotels too became sparser with no elevators etc. I was roomed with 3 other senior citizens (a yoga teacher from Scotland, a retired Gujarati man from Canada and one other). The Indian toilet was a surprise but no one complained as long as our knees were still able to bend. More interesting toilet situations awaited us but by then, we were prepared. On one of the mornings, another anna and I volunteered to help with Guru Pooja and we went in search of some fresh flowers to offer. There were barely any trees and flowers were an even more remote possibility.

Headed to Manasarovar

We headed out to Manasarovar by bus from Sago. We reached late that night and there was, of course no power. Manasarovar was a few metres away but nothing could be seen. In that pitch darkness, 3 new room mates and I had to repack only those items we need for Kailash into one single bag that will be carried by yaks to our Kailash meeting point and leave the rest which will be reached to us when we reach Sago on our return.

Manasarovar Lodge

On the next morning, we gathered on the banks of Manasarovar and were guided through a preparatory meditation to orient us for the holy dip. As I stood taking in the vastness of Manasarovar, its serene waters and its ethereal backdrop, an overwhelming feeling of gratitude swept over me for having been offered this rare chance to be here in this lifetime. Manasarovar and Kailash are always spoken of, in extremely remote terms but, I was there on its very banks in that moment.  That feeling of completeness and thankfulness remained fresh in my memory and I seem to be able to relive the very feelings every time I recall that moment. 

Manasarovar

We were told to desist from any showers (not that we had any such possibilities) from Manasarovar to Kailash and till we get back to Sago in the plains. Toilets were out in the open in designated areas and I would get up earlier than most and finish these toilet activities early despite the threat of wild dogs in those early hours, leaving enough time for me to pack, repack as needed and present my clean self at the Guru Pooja by 5:30 AM. 

Kailash - The moment we were waiting for

After the holy dip and breakfast, we started off in a large bus to 'Yamadwar' where we begin the exalted trek to Kailash. Our bags had already been sent off on Yaks to our staying area in Kailash. After getting to know our porters (oh, bless these hardy mountain folks for their invaluable help), we finally set off on our trek that I have been visualizing for many years. We could all follow our own pace or we could go with whoever matched our pace and didn't mind company. The whole approach was non-selective so that we can be free of even those subtle bondages and be really our true selves as we approach the moment of our lives.  

On our personal parikrama

We had a couple of noodle and snack stops in the makeshift eateries that locals have set up along the way where our volunteer physicians checked on us for any warning signs. Though the weather was generally sunny with really chill breeze, we suddenly encountered hail storm in the middle of the trek. We had to ferret out our rainproof gear and wear it.  On the way, Kailash's west face emerged with its unique characteristics. We saw several Tibetans who follow the Bon religion doing the parikrama by prostration all through. What an expression of dedication and devotion that human beings are capable of! 

Kailash - The West face

By evening, temperature dropped very quickly and we reached our stay area when there was still light out.  There were small rivulets, probably from snow melt that we had to cross to make it to our home for the next 2 nights. 

The Kailash Lodge

I turned my head to the left and there it was - the North face of Kailash glistening in the setting Sun. It appears deceptively close and looks clearly like it was put there by some extra terrestrial force because the rest of the mountain range does not match with it one bit in terms of shape, colour and material as well, they say. To the right of Kailash in our perspective, there was a cascading stream of water rushing down the slope. We could settle down on any rock and gaze at it and take it in with every pore of our being because our little brains/minds seem too small to capture the majesty and import of Kailash. 

              

Returning on a rare High

After an entire day of slow trekking in that rarefied air and pausing often, we started back on an early morning at a pace of our choice in the company of strangers who have become very close in a mysterious way without having to know what they did but just having an insane thoughts of Kailash in common. When we returned to Lhasa, and we spent some time in the local Buddhist temples (Chugan Temple) and markets and had a closing Satsang in our well-appointed hotel. I sang one final song and I chose the song that I had learnt on this yatra. 

The Lhasa Market

We were all on a high and this continued even after reaching Kathmandu. A few of us stayed back for a couple of extra days there and a Nepalese participant took us around Swayambhunath temple and other places. I still feel goosebumps when I think of spontaneous meditation I felt deeply for many minutes in a small shrine on the terrace of the Hotel Tibet we were staying in. I have never felt like that ever again. Our receptivity was very high at the end of the trip perhaps due to being away from so many mundane distractions with single focus for so long. 

The Shrine in Hotel Tibet

At the end of it, we used all modes of transport except the waterways and felt so much at home with so many strangers and was blessed with a chance in this life to be at Kailash and Manasarovar when I still could. The 18 days passed so effortlessly and were packed with so much that we could not think of anything else. The WhatsApp group with co-participants is still in tact though it is not very chatty with humdrum stuff, thankfully.

I could do this because my wife held the fort and my daughter postponed her trip back to the US by 2 weeks. I recall my mother who was at home and was to exit the planet in 2018, welcoming me with folded hands as the people who go to Kailash get that extra sanctity in people's perspective. But, it's for for us to build on as we go forward.

I know for sure that I will not exhaust all the wonderful places of this world in my lifetime. But, I went to Kailash which is sacred to Hindus, Buddhists, Bon and Jains alike while Chinese just call Mount Kailash as Kangrinboqe Peak and Manasarovar as Mapang Yongcuo. It was indeed the trip of a lifetime!

With my porter (alas, his name escapes me)

Swayambhunath Temple, Kathmandu

The S1 Group

Our Actual Itinerary with a long Plan B on the right

 

Homage to MS

December, 16, 2004

 

When I first heard a few days ago that MS was critically ill, my heart skipped a beat for a second. I tried to look away mentally from where this might lead to in a few days/months. I wondered what the connection is that makes me feel this way much as I would feel if this was happening to a parent or sibling perhaps. The connection, as I looked deeper into myself, is clearly more than a familial connection; it is a deeper bond born out of choice, by inner yearning, reaching out to the spirit within.

 

When the sad news of the physical demise of MS reached my years in the early hours of Sunday, I tried, almost as an involuntary reflex, to fill the void by filling the space around me with nothing but her music. Hasn’t she generously given us many jewels of melody and divine devotional outpourings?

 

When I was dwelling on the strains of her ‘Enneramum Undan Sannidhile Naan Irukkavendum Ayya’ in Devagandhari, it felt that she was having an intimate dialogue with the Almighty pleading to be with Him always. When my wife said that she would be at the feet of the divine without a minute of delay, I said that she was already there every moment of her life.

 

How else could I explain the radiance that she exuded when I had the rare opportunity of visiting MS at her residence 10 months ago? Her soulful music reflected her inner joy, radiance, tranquility and touched the hearts of millions just as she was touched by the music she was rendering.

 

One thing I do know, I am blessed to have the gift of music appreciation, to have been able to attend two of her live concerts in Hyderabad, to have been able to meet her in person before she merged in eternal kalam and in fact, to have coexisted in the same times as MS, though for only a few years.

 

When I hear the music of MS now, it is obvious that she sang each and every composition with conviction and sincerity. When I hear the line ‘Tirayin pin Nirkindrai Kanna…jnaniyar matrume Kaanbaar’ from her ‘Kurai Onrum Illai’, it seems that she has now merged with her Kanna and become invisible herself. But, like her Kanna, she is there to be seen, felt, and revered as before if only we have the inner eye or the Jnanam.

 

I would like to console myself that MS has not been lost to the world as she has securely become a part of our collective spirit and our very being long ago.

 

In homage and reverence,

Krishnaprasad Kamisetty

Bangalore

Friday, 27 January 2012 

Seasonal mamas and mamis 

With over 100 sabhas and over 300 concerts a day, the Chennai season offers a counter culture relative to urban India today. Along with young music students, teachers, diehard rasikas, and eager foreigners, there are loads of elders – our ‘Mamas and Mamis’. They close their kitchens for a month and help themselves to the delightful canteen food served by Padmanabhan, Gnanambika and the like. Their stories are interesting and their enthusiasm is infectious. 

Diehard mamis come to the academy for tickets at 5 am. She sits there even after buying tickets for the popular evening concert - just in case! There is the nostalgic mama I met - a professor in a Canadian university. I could not have guessed his background, with his veshti costume, his abhorrence of cell phones and his predilection for buses. 

There is the peace loving mama who believes that every single performer out there sings well. When he paid a generous compliment to an evening performer who could not keep a steady note that night (due to the season virus), I started maintaining a safe distance from the mama. Some are very helpful. 

When we were being tormented by an obscure ragam chosen by the performer for his bhajan, she volunteered to find it out and tell me the next morning. God bless her! There are doctorate mamis who come fully armed with reference tomes and song-raga compendiums and jump into intense research the moment the singer utters the first line. They discuss and research and discuss again with identification of the raga their only objective. Pretty oblivious to the rendition itself, and amusing to watch from a distance, they are found singly and also in groups. 

Then there is the name-dropping type: ‘Jayashri was telling me the other day that the music was not audible at all from the stage’, TM Krishn’a voice is not Ok, I believe,’ ‘Sanjay asked me to come to the concert early as the traffic was heavy.’ Some enthusiastic mamas keep polling for the best concert of the season. Any argument that tastes differ does not carry any weight with these mamas. 

There is a lonely, friendly mami who gives her phone number to every one from her city of Bangalore and asks them to come and visit her. I am a proud recipient of her number. There is this crooning mama who though in awe of TVS’s singing, launches into a parallel concert. Each one has his/her ways of enjoying the concert(s). I have stayed away from a talkative mama who attempts to involve you in the hot topic of the day (Anna Hazare, Corruption, Cricket are all fair game). 

Beware! Despite their many idiosyncrasies, the common thread of enthusiasm and love for music and all things musical runs strongly through all these mamas and mamis. These are the pillars of the season carrying the torch of nostalgia and unconditional love of music through generations. What will the season be without them? But, all the same, choose your seat wisely if you want to lose yourself in the music!! 

Posted by Sruti Magazine at Friday, January 27, 2012 

The Darshan of Smt. M. S. Subbulakshmi

February 22, 2004

 

As I was gingerly entering the cool and comfortable porch of “Sivam Subham”, I could not believe that I was actually going to be meeting with the music legend of all time and a veritable saint in a few minutes. I paused at the door before I even looked for the calling bell. I was wondering, “What should I say first? How can I express my worshipful admiration and respect to some one who was admired by the kings and the queens of the world, a thousand times before? Finally, I coaxed my hand to reach for the bell and ring it softly. Appropriately enough, the bell did not seem to know to make any jarring sounds and instead, made a very soft sound that I actually could barely hear.

 

A respectable gentleman, clad in all-white and with ‘namam’ on his forehead, ushered me in warmly. When I introduced myself as a reference of Dr. Sankaran, he said that he was expecting me and had me comfortably seated. He enquired about the purpose of my visit and laid the ground rules of no photography and no autographing.  I was disappointed for a brief second, but, understood how MS might have been hassled by innumerable autograph and photograph-focused admirers in the 70 years of her career. Later, when I enquired how he was related to MS, he said that he has been their servant for the last 50 years and that they are like his parents.

 

After a few minutes, I was signaled to go to an inner room where MS amma was being readied by one of her trusted ladies. She sat up just for meeting me. I truly felt that I was perhaps troubling her. I said ‘Namaste’ to MS amma and touched her feet as she herself folded her hands to greet me warmly with a huge smile on her face. It was such a sincere and warm welcome that I felt touched by her generosity. Her face was so radiant that a 10000W light bulb will pale before it. Before I could even open my mouth and utter all the things that I wanted to convey, she was enquiring about my kids and what they do. Mr. Athma explained to MS amma about my two daughters learning Bharatanatyam etc.

 

I really don’t remember what I said, but, I did manage to mention that this was a moment that I never thought I would experience in my life. I told her how her music embodied the best that music could be, for me. I told her that I felt that when I heard her ‘Bhavayami Gopala balam’ in the still of the night way back in 1983. She could not sit up for too long and was apologizing that she had to get back to her resting position. When I was signaled to wrap it up, I reluctantly got up with a pranam to the music legend, a saint and most of all, a wonderfully positive human being.

 

This is a memory that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

 

 

Passing of a Generation

Passing of a Generation   

Last Arrival

I distinctly remember September 15^th of 2018. That’s the day Amma travelled by herself to Bangalore, one last time. She successfully remembered to call me as soon as she landed, to everyone’s surprise. But, she was staring blankly when I received her at the gate.  I started wondering a little. When we reached the car parking area, she was enquiring if we lived close by. Considering that she traversed this tedious route so many times, I felt something was amiss.  The fact that airport is not close to Whitefield seemed to have emptied itself out of her memory.

As we got into our car and rode the long road home, she was reminiscing all the good times she had with her grandchildren and great grandchildren and how much my father has missed all the fun.  When we finally reached home and got out of the car, she headed straight towards a neighbour’s house.  I made a mental note to watch out for her without her feeling monitored.

Twists, Turns and some Blind Spots

The oddities and possibilities only increased in frequency and variety as the long week inched relentlessly forward. She would lock herself out, forget where she was, get ready to go upstairs for the spiritual discourses and she would repeatedly ask where our children are and if they are coming down for dinner with us. The fact that the kids are in the US escaped her and we never bothered to correct her too aggressively.  However, it is quaint now to think that she would constantly check on what her granddaughters took to school for lunch. Alas, they were not in school anymore!

Our conversations would go on like this on things real and imagined. Whenever we chose to correct her, she would just nod but not resist the contrarian evidence! She was very confused, anxious but was patient, introspective and graceful waiting for the clouds to lift somehow. She even took the accidental fall due to head being skewed by the insidious tumour that was raging silently in her brain.

Later on, when she totally lost it with not able to figure out the mechanics of the toilet and even getting hurt one early morning mistaking a closet for a door, we knew WE needed help in taking care of her. We knew we needed to stop our logical analysis of her symptoms and bow down to what may be lying in store for us.

The Last Stop

We rushed to the nearby Columbia Asia hospital’s ER on September 24^th, 2018. Barely a few hours and two inconvenient MRIs later, the bombshell was dropped. “She has a particularly virulent brain tumour growing into both sides of her brain and we won’t be able to do much. She may have 3-6 months or none at all”, said the ER doctor-in-charge. She was immediately admitted to the hospital for stabilizing her a little with heavy steroids. Thank God for them!

The next 3 days in the hospital were probably the best days of her last lap. She was feeling lighter in the head but did not have the capacity or determination to know or understand what is happening. She was very cheerful and was enjoying the droves that filed through her comfortable suite. She wanted to feed them all as she probably imagined that she was at home. She even recited some recipes in elaborate detail. We humoured her, of course!  She spoke to all her global grandchildren and those who could not come to see her. She never once taunted them, “How come, you are not here?”  Toilet and movement were becoming progressively hard, but, that did not deter her from enjoying a few good days that she was blessed with.

She made one final whizz by our home, albeit in a cautionary ambulance.  We decorated our place, Pooja room (the room she spent most time in) with fresh jasmines and had a grand breakfast with her at the head of the table. Lots of pictures were taken, greetings exchanged and several neighbours walked in to see her, one last time. She must have been feeling a little better and was walking with light support and would even quip with our domestic help by remembering and calling her by her name. She said that she wanted to let her know she still remembered. Clever and determined till the last! 

Final Journey

We then pushed our way to Sainikpuri, Secunderabad where she spent most of last 30 years in in the same ambulance to be with her during the remaining length of her final push to the other side! The next 45 days were intense for all of us; as we all came to terms with the reality and her end that was staring at us, in our distinct ways.

During these 45 days, we celebrated birthdays, Diwali, sang and played a LOT of music, tried miracle drugs, and pampered her. But, we could not stop her from moving forward on her solitary journey. She slipped into oblivion towards the end, completely unavailable to the outside world. We would still talk, sing and pray in her room confident that she would be aware in some corner of her being.  I would make many visits to Secunderabad and staying several days at a stretch each time.  We would all rush to her side whenever she woke up and opened her eyes. 

The end seemed interminable but, it came swiftly enough during the early hours of November 16^th, 2018. She received a few precious drops of Gangajal before she breathed her last with a few of her dear ones by her side.

In the End

It’s already a year since her passing. Not many days go by without us reminiscing about her memories and her quips. Some of us would try her recipes lovingly written on a few scraps of paper.  One thing is for sure; I know that she has touched many during her 82 years when I see the person who helps in our cooking offers her picture a few flowers daily, without fail. 

Though thoughts of her are still tender and eyes readily well up, she and her personality seem like a dream now, alive only in our memories. Sometimes, the reality is elevating; at other times, it’s uncomfortable. But, aren’t our own lives wakeful dreams as well?

Amazing Grace - Amma

Amazing Grace - Amma - A Living Memory

When they called me into a private room in ER, I stepped in, 

                                                                       with trepidation
When they first pronounced "it's not looking good", tears welled up 

                                                                      and broke through the banks
No logic nor propriety; but all heart
As one who gave me a beginning faced her end, 

                                                                     every day was unlike another

Two months passed like an unending night with dreams 

                                                                    some beautiful and others dreadful
Could I forget the night I eased her with a lullaby or the day her lips parted in a 

                                                                   smile even in mute distress
Or the quiet evening when I meditated in her still presence?
She left as regally as she came; while her form and person 

                                                                  merged with the five elements
As I go about, I do miss her presence a lot, but her Amazing Grace 

                                                                  is what I treasure the most!