A Life of Miracles
When I look back at the six decades of my life that passed by, I am overcome with gratitude for all the miraculous inflections that nudged my life trajectory to an unknown purpose, in a clearly unconventional direction each time.
Several of those twists and turns were made consciously with my head and heart knowing full well that the path was a less trodden one. In fact, I continue to do that with abandon now, giving my instincts the pride of place they deserve.
Some of the inflections that I recount below are the ones that made me who I am and how I feel today. I sincerely feel that it is the divine grace operating in my life while also giving me an unencumbered mind to recognize it at critical junctures.
C L A R I T Y, thy name is God!!
1. Initiation into Music
I have been crooning the popular tunes of the day ever since I was a kid and I had even learnt a few songs from teachers, friends and acquaintances and radio. During one of our visits to our native place, I had learnt a few devotional songs from my great grandmother too. But that was it. There was no formal instruction, nor did I expressly harbour any such desires.
When I was in 10th grade, I had once enrolled myself in a music competition for the school annual day. I had planned to sing a Telugu patriotic song - "Maa Telugu talliki malle poodanDa" (a jasmine garland for our mother Telugu). One of the school lecturers agreed to teach me and I still distinctly remember walking to his house on the quiet rural road of VETapAlem in Andhra. I ended up tying with another boy for the first prize, and I got to repeat the performance at the Annual day event as well.
There was indeed music in several corners within me somewhere. However, I never really learnt anything formally until I landed up in the house opposite Rajam aunty's house in Secunderabad. My hunch is that arts were not prioritized in boys in those days.
I would not have guessed that music would take centre stage later on in my life. Having finished Engineering and going about my HAL 'career' like an automaton, I was thrust into music lessons by my sister-in-law as she was also interested and needed some company. The three years in HAL were very demotivating for me with no incentive to learn or work hard.
Fortunately, during those very years, I encountered Carnatic music through Rajam aunty who has later come to be known as Om aunty. Aunty was the ex-principal of Military school and extremely well-read and well-travelled and had a passion for languages. She could speak in English, Hindi, Tamil, Telugu and in Kannada, that being her mother tongue. She was also a spiritual seeker (Sadhak).
Until then, I was not impressed by the music I had a chance to listen on the radio. So, I was a bit reluctant at first. I can still recall the electric feeling when I heard pure musical notes. I could get lost in those notes as I practised. I was hooked and was also a natural learner. There was certainly a gift that I possessed. In terms of music, those three years were like drinking at a fire hose.
I would also read books on music theory widely, discuss with aunty and listen to a wide variety of vintage music that I had obviously missed out till then. It was like a musical awakening for me and aunty was its principal architect.
Aunty was more than a music teacher for me, though. I learnt so much from her - be in English, communication, etiquette, deportment, chants, meditation, devotion and many beautiful episodes during her interaction with the sages of Rishikesh and Mukteswar etc. I would spend hours with aunty and uncle after class almost daily and have dinner with them on many nights.
I would also hang around with seniors (thrice my age) and chant stotras, Vishnu Sahasra namam, Siva Mahimna Stotram, Nama Ramayanam, Hanuman Chalisa and bhajans etc. It was really like a clarion call for me as a human being.
Meeting aunty and learning from her has been a huge blessing and a turning point in my life. I had a chance to host her once at my home in the US and meet her many times since my return to India. The fact that I was able to meet her one final time two weeks before her passing at the age of 88 and had a very deep conversation and bonded makes me feel blessed and complete. I am indebted to her for being there in my life at a critical formative stage.
She was also instrumental in reseeding the idea of going to the US in me for MS - in a field different from Electronics. But I did not know then that the journey in music aunty started me on would later become my very life purpose.
2. Flying away to the US
During the final year of my engineering program, it was very common for many in my class to land admissions and scholarships to the US. On my way to college, I had studied in many schools spread across rural India and spoke English in college for the first time though some practice was there in my Intermediate (11th grade) with my Tamil friend Sriram at Loyola College, Vijayawada. Western culture, dressing and music were alien to me nor did they hold any particular attraction. So, going to the US wasn't on my radar and besides, I had no clue why I was studying Electronics or what I would do with it in future.
But curiously, I was deeply attracted to languages - first English followed by Tamil. When I discovered the dictionary, my interest only grew. I would collect all the unfamiliar English words that I came across all day and look them all up and write down the meanings, etymology and context in which I found them, at the end of the day. My excitement knew no bounds when I chanced upon those very words in the next few days. My vocabulary and understanding of English gradually took deep root.
I would also spend much of my free time in the reference section of the college library reading books on history, world wars, astronomy, comics like Asterix, Tintin and poetry. The fact that I was now able to understand the subtleties of the content made me even more curious. I would later venture into classics like Shakespeare and humour a la PG Wodehouse.
All this dalliance with English motivated me to write GRE and TOEFL exams since I enjoyed the verbal sections so much though I wasn't all that clear about what I would do with an advanced degree in Electronics. I felt quite stuck regarding the subject of my study which was done under family pressure.
As part of my exploration of English, I enjoyed devouring books by Norman Lewis and Rosenblum. I would read books that were to be read and practiced in 6 weeks, in mere 2 days. Though I got some admissions without scholarships, I chose not to go because I did not want to drive the nail in harder by investing more time in a field that held no interest for me. Thank God for those first signs of wisdom that I did not ignore!
I lumbered on at HAL - completely demotivated and feeling listless. I kept it up so that I wouldn't be pushed into my brother's enterprise. I was at the receiving end of 'Fratriarchy'!! I knew I would not see light anymore if I ever let that happen.
I was still clueless as to what lay ahead of me, but I was clear about not joining a master's program in Electronics in India or abroad just to keep myself busy. I then decided to try to get a seat in one of the IIMs and other management institutes. I tried for 2 years, wrote competitive exams, participated in group discussions etc. I received calls for around 10 interviews at the end of those two attempts. I got great practice of "putting myself out there" while going completely against my grain. However, I did not get through any of them, but I was put on the waiting list for IIM Bangalore after my second attempt.
My music teacher, upon discrete prodding from my family, impressed upon me to find something else to study in the US, the promised land. All her 3 children were in the US. I found some general engineering courses like Industrial Engineering, Management Engineering and I finally got into NJIT in 1987. After securing the prized Visa to the US, I ended up getting into IIM, Bangalore finally. But, I felt that the die was already cast and the idea of going far away from family captivated me.
Despite the hardship of going so far and getting comfortable in a foreign land, I set off to the US on August 14th, 1987, and reached the US on the 15th of August (Indian Independence Day). That was the first major critical decision in my life which shaped everything that came after it. During those first few months and years, I would discover myself, acknowledge my skills and strengths through the encouragement and appreciation of many generous professors, students and roommates I interacted with.
In my first semester at NJIT, I had to present in one management class that I enrolled in, every week. It's something that I never did before. The professor would single me out many times pointing out my preparation, initiative and other positive traits. Another would praise my work ethic publicly. Finally, my sincere application through the entire first semester landed me the only research assistantship in my department. I started to believe in myself and worked with redoubled zeal.
My stint of 15 years in the US wasn't all a bed of roses. Many unsavoury experiences can be recalled but somehow, they haven't left any trace of resentment in me. They all taught me something precious and I learnt not to unduly deprecate myself. 15 years abroad has expanded my mind, horizons and a clear sense of self and made me all the richer for it.
3. Finding my life partner
I did this whole thing in the old-fashioned way of turning to family for help. They 'rose to the occasion' by securing many potential suitors through media blitz and word of mouth.
During the summer break of 1989, in between my graduate programs, I met my future wife on May 24 to be precise. Through a quirk of providence, she was the first in the list I met since she was a local person from Hyderabad.
She struck me as confident, upfront (not bashful), intelligent, articulate and beautiful. I left with a very nice feeling and hoped that she would agree. The next 10 days were gruelling as we didn't hear even a whimper from them. I was adamant that I would not like to see anyone else until they got back in the negative. I didn't like the idea of shopping around and creating a short list of 'candidates'. I stuck to my guns and went with my gut feeling of how I felt in her presence. That became the foundation for the very important decision in my life.
Upon some prodding from a common acquaintance, we found out that they were waiting on us to get back to them. Typical Indian gridlock! I met her on June 2nd for the second time at their home again and was able to grab a few minutes to speak privately with her about my interests and my shortcomings since I really wanted to be transparent with her from the get-go and build the foundation on truth.
We married on June 26th after 'dating' post facto and getting to know each other more during the interim period. To this day, what I value about our relationship is the ethics, integrity, transparency, intelligence and passion and love and light that she brings to me and family and in fact, any gathering she is in. The rest is history, as they say!
4. Homebound
I started my PhD program after my marriage. I was in a new state, new college, new program and had a new car and a new partner. We set up our home tastefully within our budget. Money was tight but enough. After completing the program in 3 years, I walked right into recession. Jobs were hard to come by. After a nerve-wracking 8 months of job search, I got a job with Intel after a botched attempt at another company. That company, incidentally, is no more!
Work moved us to bucolic Portland, Oregon - a place where we had a great time for over 8 years. Portland's rustic small town feel and verdant open spaces and flowers and berries were wonderful for us. A friend, Ann we met introduced us to many good things of life in the US - gardens, farmers markets, cuisines, baking, jamming, brunches. We would be in each other's garden almost on a daily basis. We would drink lots of tea and the ladies would make lots of jams and cook.
10 years and two kids later, I had a chance to grow Intel India operations from the US. Even then, I had no inkling of moving back to India. In fact, when my manager asked me if I was interested in a new manager position in India, I flatly refused. In my continued work with Intel India, a strong longing started to emerge in me to move back home to India while giving the kids the substantial grounding and the India experience. Planets aligned and wife/kids reluctantly agreed, and I returned home with a new job in a new area under a new manager.
The initial years were tough for my wife and kids though I glided into the familiar Intel environment despite many quirky Indian touches to working in Intel India. It also had its own brand of politics. I moved around through 5 jobs in 10 years. While it wasn't all smooth sailing, I haven't regretted my decision ever.
I liked the smells, sounds and the informality of India. We made many lifelong friends who had also moved back just like us and stayed put. My wife was presented an opportunity to own and run a floral enterprise. It was a no-brainer that she took it as horticulture and plants were always her passions. Kids developed a strong bond with India though they have since moved to other climes to experiment with their education and career choices.
We continue to be here, and it is well-nigh impossible for us to move 'back' to the US and despite our many visits to the promised land, US holds absolutely no attraction for us. In fact, kids encourage us to stay back since they see us so happy with meaningful lives and beautiful friendships.
Looking back, this decision was done more with heart than head and that is probably why it continues to make me happy whatever the numbers may be. In my heart of hearts, I want to merge with the soil of Bharat when the final moments do finally arrive.
5. F.I.R.E. (Financial Independence Retire Early)
These days, when I meet new people, the question of what I do comes up invariably. I often respond that I am trying my best not to do much.
But, seriously though, I always knew that a life of retirement for me would never be a nightmare filled with dreadful vacuum. I always enjoyed solitude, and my passions for reading, writing, music, gardening, yoga and spiritual pursuits etc. I really had no idea in what specific form they would occupy my time. That's why I often quip that I was born to retire. The life of assumed identities of the world didn't ever matter much to me beyond a point. Perhaps, I have gradually grown out of them. If I recall correctly, my challenge during my working years was to know how not to be invisible and to keep jutting into the foreground to fit corporate norms for a senior leader. That was a phase!
The idea of retirement was hence not alien to me and has, in fact crossed my mind often. In fact, for about 2 years before my retirement from a lucrative job, I have actively considered it by reviewing my finances against estimated expenses while accounting for our combined life spans. I felt that the idea was not that far-fetched if I monetized some of the assets and lived in peace. But I was not yet clear when exactly to hang up my boots as the kids had not even finished high school by then.
The universe finally decided that for me by giving me a gentle push. That was how it felt when I received an email from work in the summer of 2012. I was in the USA after dropping my eldest daughter in a US college and was visiting our friends in Houston. I was just synching up my work emails just to see how the rest of the world was holding up without me! I was already on leave for several weeks by then.
The moment I saw that email which presented me a royal, lucrative way of retiring, my blink response was that it was Godsend. I could not believe that this nudge from the universe was real. I did not imagine this type of a situation at all in my analysis thus far. I really did not need to do any further analysis to be able to decide my next steps.
I must thank my wife who supported me in this critical decision though she had her share of doubts and fears since people don't often retire like this if they don't have to - surely, not when both kids haven't even completed their college and they themselves barely turned 50.
I was never of the type of polling a whole lot of friends and family regarding such personal decisions since I feel they, especially family, doesn't really know me or what drives me. My mother who was alive then, was quizzical but otherwise, did not create a whole lot of fuss.
I was on cloud 9 in the month or two I still had with Intel after the decision was submitted to Intel and it has been communicated to the rest of the organization. My final day at Intel was Dec 2nd, 2012. I joined a yoga retreat that was happening in our own home from the very next day. I was whole heartedly into what I was learning as my body and mind felt free to take on whatever might come my way.
I have never once regretted my decision to retire early.
6. The Second Innings
In my primary career, my main objective was to take advantage of a few of my strengths and provide for the family. However, that phase ended when I chose to retire from Intel. When we let go of such conventional constraints, we feel free. In my farewell lunch at work, a colleague asked me as to what I planned to do once I ride off into the Sunset. I told him what was on my mind - that I wanted to write and wanted to see if anyone would pay for it.
During the first year or two, I spoke to a few of my creative and writer friends and that led to a few other business connections. I later worked for a content creation agency and also did a few ghost-writing gigs for over 10 companies for 6 years on a free-lance basis. I was never busy with work for more than 3 to 4 hours a day; I was just mildly occupied. During that stint, I enjoyed the magic I could do with words. Words and languages were my passions for over 40 years and so, it all came easily to me.
I was mostly writing on Technology and business and the format ranged from whitepapers, websites, case studies, monographs to even blurbs.
This was not certainly extremely lucrative by any means but that did not matter to me. I just enjoyed transforming ideas into words, abstracting clients' thoughts into significant statements and bringing my own personal work experience to my writing. So, it was great joy to work without the bother of economics.
It was good while it lasted and I had finally retired from my second career as well after 2020.
Encounter with Sadhguru
I did not know about Sadhguru or Isha Foundation till 2014. I did not watch any of his videos or know of his work. But I vividly remember seeing a long-bearded sadhu on a TV panel discussion many years ago and being impressed at his clarity and communication. He was engaging with 'intellectuals' during that discussion and seeing a sadhu in that setting taking on mundane issues felt strange enough that it stayed in my memory.
My actual major encounter with Sadhguru was dramatic to say the least. A vendor that my wife worked with impressed on my wife that both my wife and me would benefit from the Isha Inner Engineering program and in fact, suggested we do that separately.
My wife told me about it on the same evening and urged me to sign up for it as she knew that I was looking for a structured yoga program for some time. In fact, for the whole 2 years after my exit from corporate career, I have been literally praying for it daily - to have a yoga regimen that will grow and evolve with me till the very end. I didn't know what it was and did not even search for it on google as I am not big on Internet search for things like this.
So, when I heard this suggestion from my wife, I instantly looked up the Isha website and found that there was a Tamil program - a retreat of 3.5 days at the Isha Yoga Centre - happening that very month. I signed up for it as I did not want to wait a few more months for the next English program. I could not even understand the urgency that was driving me like this but, all I can say now is that the driving force was from without.
I had no idea of the extent of the ashram temples and activities or what I would find there. As it was a retreat, the program took place in the Nalanda cottage premises, a beautiful and comfortable space expressly designed for the ultimate program experience and effectiveness. The program is intelligently christened as Inner Engineering which would satisfy our overly logical minds and what was transmitted there was Shambhavi Mahamudra kriya as part of the initiation on the final day. I realized I had difficulty understanding some Tamil words, but the teacher and co-participants were very accommodating.
At first, I was very sceptical about the many temples - Dhyanalinga, Lingabharavi there in that I saw them as religious rituals. In some corner, I was resisting that as the rituals I was exposed to as a child were found to be hollow superstitions and did not impress me much. I was conflicted though I wanted to follow what was being suggested.
Looking back at my own unbroken journey with Isha over the last 11 years, it all seems to fit into an invisible divine puzzle when I think of how the word about Isha yoga came to me and the urgency with which I acted on it.
For me now, the runway ahead looks clear and purposeful. It also feels like that it was a reminder for what was once familiar to me in a forgotten corner of myself from the long-gone past.
Many people analyze the activities of Isha and Sadhguru critically and pose the seeming discrepancies to me and challenge me to explain them. My answer to them is always that all I know is what I have received from Isha/Sadhguru and how it has clarified many things and benefitted me in ways beyond imagination. It is not for me to have an opinion on everything and everyone and I just stick to what I have personally experienced. Other than that, I really feel like I have come home, finally!
My Anchor - My Purpose
Post retirement life can be an unhinged experience, especially for one who worked all of one's life and lived for one's work. Though I don't harbour any qualms about not doing 'anything', free time can lose its charm after a year or two. A sense of purpose will make a person look forward to everyday with curiosity, expectation and interest. Else, complacency and listlessness may take over. If you let that state fester, it could even lead one to the brink of depression.
I happened to discover yoga the day after I quit regular corporate work. It certainly had immediate physical results. I could feel body getting toned barely after a week of daily yoga. Two years later, I got initiated into Isha yoga completely by chance (which I call a miracle) which kept me going. I wasn't feeling purposeless anymore but the risk of it might not have been very far.
My relationship with yoga has also evolved over the years. I used to do yoga at 1 pm since I found it a challenge to keep an empty stomach condition. Gradually, the routine settled down to a routine of ablutions, shower and yoga and the topic of food doesn't come up until after that.
I kept up the learning of Carnatic music all along and the thread never broke for too long. I felt that my music learning didn't end as long as there was an unfinished song.
In 2018, my mother suddenly fell very ill. She was diagnosed with a virulent brain tumour which was a terminal condition. Doctors gave her few days or months at the most. She was diagnosed in Bangalore and was taken to Hyderabad later for her final journey. Dementia had already set in but her love and longing for music remained strong.
I would spend her final days singing to her and she would have many special requests. At other times, I also had a continuous play list of her favourites playing in her room and continued that even after she lost complete awareness after a month.
When certain songs played like 'Kurai ondrum illai', she would spontaneously raise her hands in supplication to the invisible God. I saw how music played such a huge role in her final days keeping her in touch with her core self even if brain was quite disjointed. In her last month, she lost all faculties, but music survived still. That struck a very deep chord in me.
A few months later, sometime in 2019, I decided to just focus on learning music compositions while sidestepping technical elements such as alapana, neraval, swaram which did not come to me naturally and easily. My teacher supported the idea, thankfully. I decided to practice daily at 4pm and not fritter away the gift of music.
"Music is indeed meditation", Sri M says. Even if I can't concentrate or meditate in silence for long, I can at least sing and treat that as my meditation.
Consistent practice and focused learning have worked wonders and have made my voice better, learning deeper and more intuitive and the joy of singing greater. I have my mother's picture watching over me in my music room, perhaps as a sign of the miracle of music that manifested with renewed vigour in my life. It feels like it is her final gift to me. There are several things - baking, gardening, yoga, reading and writing that I do, but music is indeed my anchor and the purpose in my final innings.
______ 00000 ______
