Vande Guru paramparaam..

On a recent morning, during my yoga practice, a thought flashed in my mind to reflect and write on the string of Gurus in a long, beautiful lineage that have shaped my life by nudging it periodically in a new direction - a direction that I would come to joyfully abide by. As they never seem to let go of me even if I had behaved undeservingly at times, I am filled with gratitude for having come under their influence at various points in my life right from the young age of 21. This is an ode to all my Gurus on account of this year's Guru Purnima (July 29, 2026).

Velliangiri mountain range

Childhood Influences

I was 10 or so and in 5th grade, which is the earliest that I can recall. Amma would mandate that all of us enter the puja room after our morning bath, chant a few favourite stotrams. We would get to choose what we chanted or read. It was only after that we would dress up and get ready for breakfast and school. My favourite idol was a small brass figurine of an azhwar and I would choose to chant a universal prayer in Telugu. I used to know that by heart. All I can remember now is that it was vast, inclusive and comprehensive in its import and a picture of wide-open arms pops up in my mind when I think of the prayer now.

On most birthdays, we would go to a temple followed by a restaurant and then a cinema sometimes. I also distinctly remember that my father and mother had long and involved engagement with their daily prayers. It is something that we imbibed by observation.

Amma and nanna had their routines based on the days of the week. On festival days, Amma would wake us up early, make sure we had our oil baths, new clothes and ensure that we helped in the puja decorations at home. It was all quite a participative exercise with she as the leader, and we would not get our breakfast till we cleaned up and were ready for the day. After all these years, those were the experiences that I would lean on to replicate festivals in our own home now. 

However, that was all the extent of religious and spiritual presence in my life till I met Om Aunty in 1983 when I learned of an entire new world of spirituality. 

Formative years

I finished my Engineering at 21 in 1983 and landed a token public sector job in HAL, Hyderabad. It is an understatement to say that I was not inspired by it. I was staying with my newly married brother and sister-in-law during 1983-87. I continued with my routine and basic puja activities, but I was also spending more and more time with music and my music teacher who taught me a lot more than just music. My music actually began without any interest from my side as I was 'volunteered' by my sister-in-law. I wrote more about aunty's central role in my engagement with music till date in my blogs on my Journey in music and a life of miracles. 

Om aunty's three children lived abroad or headed there very soon, and aunty and uncle were a retired couple except for a few years when aunty served as the principal of the ISKCON school in Secunderabad. As my interaction with Om aunty increased, I was learning to chant, discovering spiritual masters that were in her life etc. She used to recount stories of her meetings and conversations with them so vividly that I felt as if they were my own experiences. Om aunty used to live right opposite our house in a large bungalow. I would return so late on many evenings after finishing my dinner with aunty and uncle on many a night. With aunty, music was just the kindling. It soon led to very engaged discussions on language, etiquette, deportment, art of conversation, stotras and chants, devotional bhajans, meditation etc.

Over the next few months, I started to get disillusioned by everything I did and saw everyone in my family do in the name of puja. All these so-called worshipful activities seemed hollow and devoid of integrity. I felt there was no correspondence between the pujas people did and their physical and mental patterns. I actually did not see a point in all this. I was losing my faith in what I routinely did and was so put off by it all at one point that I stopped entering the puja room and doing my daily prayers.

My parents and family started to worry about my outright shunning of the puja room and apparently escalated the 'issue' to Om Aunty. That led to a heart-to-heart conversation with her regarding my reservations and that's when she offered to initiate me into japa and meditation assuming the role of an Upaguru. It gave me an anchor that I found meaning and purpose in and I re-entered the puja room by including new practices. 

The 'Darshan' of Swami Sivananda

Swami Sivananda was aunty's Guru and there were many of his pictures and books around her house and puja room. He was a medical doctor before he became a monk and had left his mortal body in 1963 which is a year after my birth. So, I never really met him. But, through aunty's various stories of her interactions with the Swami, he continues to be so real to me and hence, it feels like I have had his darshan a long time ago.

Aunty used to recount many of her elevating experiences and conversations with Sri Swami Sivananda and Sri Swami Chidananda and others of The Divine Life Society (DLS) on many quiet evenings. They used to be long and spontaneous sessions which used to stretch into late nights at times. I was young, receptive and used to soak all these in.  I was never before exposed to these dimensions of life. At certain moments, I used to be so lifted up by these waves of devotion and be washed over by indescribable and dizzying heights of joy.  I continue to feel very close affinity to Sri Swami Sivananda though I never saw him physically. 

As a 'happy ending' for the time being, I resumed my daily puja practices by including japa and meditation with lot more awareness.  This went on for about 3 years. We also would listen to many vintage concerts that uncle saved on spools of tape, discussed many books and sang many ashram bhajans. I also started collecting various books by Sri Swami Sivananda. Those were the years of intense practices and literally, a preparation for life ahead.

Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa

It was also during this Gurukula vasam style of living in proximity to aunty that I was introduced to Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa through her gift of his gospel (book). 

On Monday, my weekly holiday, I used to often visit Domalaguda Ramakrishna Ashram and wander its halls and libraries. Generally, I used to find myself gravitating toward the main mandir by evening and attend the arati and bhajan. 

I visited the ashram and spent time there on many days like this, attended Sri Swami Ranganathananda's somewhat esoteric talks, acquired many books of Sri Ramakrishna and Sri Vivekananda. In fact, my music book "Spiritual Heritage of Thyagaraja" was bought here and only recently, I got to understand how one Mr. Raghavan of Chennai was instrumental in getting this published through Sri Ramakrishna Math press. It is like a final puzzle piece landing into place after years and years of a small but recognizable gap in understanding of the context behind this book.

Sri Swami Muktananda

My music classes in aunty's home used to be in an upstairs room, the balcony of which looked out into a large, shaded fruit garden. Aunty used to say that Sri Swami Muktananda of Ganeshpuri, Maharashtra had walked around in that garden on one of his visits to their home. She used to attribute the fertility of the garden to his grace as there was otherwise very little upkeep for that area. 

I have seen the pictures of all these Mahatmas in aunty's pooja room in which I have lighted a lamp on many days. The room used to always have a pleasant aroma and throb with palpable energy.

Initiation by Sri Swami Chidananda

Due to a divine turn of events, a local devotee in Sainikpuri where we lived then hosted Sri Swami Chidanandaji Maharaj - the successor and devoted disciple of Sri Swami Sivananda. Om Aunty contacted Swamiji on our behalf and secured his acceptance for initiating me and a few others.  It was sometime in Feb 1986. On a very early, distinctly cool morning, I quietly waited for my turn at the home Swamiji was sojourning in. I spent a few electrifying moments with Swamiji while receiving my Ishta daiva mantram with a few simple suggestions from Swamiji on keeping it up from then on.

A few years ago, I was completely ignorant of Swamiji, Divine Life Society, spiritual practices like Japa and meditation and even music, but here I was being initiated by none other than Swami Chidanandaji right in the location where I was living then. It was just divine grace in action.

Maiden visit to Rishikesh

I had an opportunity to visit Rishikesh and The Divine Life Society for the first time a few months later. It was 1987 and I had by then heard about and experienced DLS and Swami Sivananda vicariously for close to 4 years.  It was a few short months before I was to head to the USA to find myself. 

The journey to Rishikesh at the foothills of Himalayas was quite a long journey with many legs. I went by a long train ride to Delhi and stayed with my sister for a day or two and then took an overnight bus to Haridwar. I found myself disembarking groggily from the bus in the wee hours of the next morning. I learnt that buses to Rishikesh wouldn't run till later in the morning. Later, I ended up falling prey to the loudest solicitations in the bus stand and rented a shady room to rest and refresh before the last leg of my journey to Rishikesh.

When I finally arrived in Rishikesh after an hour of bus ride, I directly went to DLS and met Sri Swami Asangananda, a Telugu swami who I had met through aunty and uncle in Secunderabad. He was my host there and put me up in a small room of the ashram. I spent many hours at the various shrines within the ashram including Sivananda mandir, the darshan of the various swamis, the old DLS by the river and the ashram satsang in the evening. The biksha (meals) was very sparse just like what Swami Sivananda had subsisted on in his early days.

I also walked around Rishikesh to Lakshman Jhoola, Ram Jhoola, took a dip in the Ganga and visited various places in Rishikesh that Swami Sivananda used to reminisce about in his many books. I had read many of his books in the years prior to my visit.  I posted myself a post card from the Post Office to create a philatelic memory. It was an eventful visit that would set the foundation for everything that was follow.

I met Swami Asanganandaji again in 1989 after my marriage. My wife and I went to Rishikesh while her family was left wondering as to what I was up to!

The Big H i a t u s

My practices took a back seat when I moved to the USA. It could have been due to lack of privacy, lack of priority or even lack of will. I used to share an apartment with three others, and my hours were long and unpredictable with classes, work, cooking and studies.  I was not able to carve out time and space for my Japa and meditation. There were also many influences and culture shocks that a young man is exposed to in a world that is so different from homeland.  

Later, when I moved into my own apartment after marriage 2 years later, it was a bit better. We had a small altar, and we would light a small lamp and make sure it is extinguished before we left the house. It was certainly necessary due to fire hazards but strange!  It felt quite foreign to practice our ancient mystical disciplines in a place that pulsated to a very different beat.

But I always longed for an appropriate personal space to read, reflect, chant, worship and meditate.  There was a time I remember in Portland that I would wake up earlier than normal to make some time available to read Bhagavadgita Home study by Swami Dayananda or listen to his audio lectures in the still hours of morning. My family back home was well into his fold and were going through several courses offered at the Dayananda Ashrams in Coimbatore and Rishikesh. Certain statements by Pujya Swamiji Dayanada Saraswati used to strike me deeply and were great pieces of advice to live untouched by external triggers. 

As a happy concidence, I discovered my college classmate Logasubramanian who took sanyas  from Swami Dayanandaji and taught wonderfully at Rishikesh until his untimely demise. I, along with my family had met him once during our visit to Rishikesh in 2006. A very bright and gentle soul.

Though I don't harbour any strong desire to read, recite and distill the scriptures and esoteric spiritual questions posed and answered in the Upanishads, those few study sessions did provide me with a live link to invaluable experiences I received during the formative years of 1983-87 in India.

So many great souls - Endaro MahAnubhAvulu

The reading bug bit me in college right around the time I discovered the power of language around 1981. During 1983-87, when I had the time and freedom to roam around and do whatever I wanted as a young man with a small disposable income, I used to frequent Higginbothams stall at Secunderabad railway station to buy a few books of fiction by authors I wanted to sample. During one such visit, I picked up "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahamsa Yogananda. It is quite possible that aunty had recommended it.

As years went by with a token job and intense music learning and practice, so many great souls revealed themselves to me. Aunty used to talk about an avadhuta whose picture adorned her puja room. He just looks up into the sky in that picture. Apparently, he did not speak or engage with the world. As I mentioned earlier, she introduced me to Ramakrishna Paramhamsa through gifts of his gospel and my visits to his Domalaguda ashram. During my stay with my brother and sister-in-law, I came to know about Bhagawan Ramana Maharshi as my sister-in-law brought his b&w picture to our home. His serene visage that I see on my mind's eye brings me deep peace even now. 

During the last 15 years, I was mesmerized by the free-spirited singing of Kabir music by Shabnam Virmani, Vipul Rikhi, Prahlad Tippania and others. That led me to a trove of vibrant music by Kumar Gandharva. I also watched the documentaries on him made by Shabnam Virmani. Recently, when a friend organized a satsang with a person from Kabir Math in Varanasi, I had the privilege of presenting a couple of beautiful kabir compositions at the satsang. 

Much recently, I came to know about Sri M through my wife. I read a number of his books on his life with his guru and his Himalayan treks, upanishads and meditation. I take inspiration from his insight that music is meditation. It so happened that I went to his ashram in Madanapalle on one of the Gurupurnima days with a couple of friends. During the writing of this blog, I had an opportunity of meeting him as my wife got an opportunity to serve him ahead of a book launch event.

Encounter with Sadhguru

There are many great Gurus in the world. But there is one for each and every one of us who maximizes resonance and receptivity in us based on our own limitations and personal quirks. In that context, how I came to know of Isha and Sadhguru is nothing short of miraculous. 

During my work life, I always harboured the regret of not having a few quiet moments in the puja room after lighting a lamp before rushing to catch the shuttle. Since I retired early in 2012, I almost immediately (to the day) enrolled in a yoga workshop by a Slovenian instructor. It was convenient as it was happening at our own home.  A few days of practice itself yielded physical benefits but, I had a gap in my heart still.  I continued to pray daily to be shown a simple, unswerving path of daily practices that I can follow till the end of my life. It is mysterious to me how I envisaged such a thing in that language. My pleas went unheeded for almost two years.

On one evening, my wife came home after work. She started to recount excitedly about her conversation with a vendor who worked on our house and boutique. He just went through the Isha yoga program and earnestly impressed on her that we both must go through this while we don't need to do it together.

I had never heard of Isha or Sadhguru nor did I immediately google him. I just looked for the next available program. There was one in a month, but in Tamil at the ashram. I was experiencing such an urgency that I felt I couldn't wait for the next English program. So, I enrolled in the Tamil program in the form of a retreat in Isha Yoga Centre, Coimbatore. After registration, I did not even look up what was there at the centre or what to expect. I probably had some faith that I had found what I was looking for.

Actually, later I recalled having seen Sadhguru at a TV debate, albeit fleetingly. His form and attire seemed unique as I would not expect such a person to be at a routine TV debate to discuss mundane matters so coherently.

I had a great time at the retreat and so many of my notions got tested and some were shattered. I earnestly practiced from the day after initiation itself. Gradually, it has developed into a morning regimen (daily upacharya) come rain or shine, travelling or not, weekday or weekend. It has been close to 12 years now. People around me have gotten used to my yoga practice so much that they keep asking if I have done my yoga or why it was longer or shorter etc. They all know that it is non-negotiable.

Later on, I learned a few Hatha yoga practices, attended a few Mahashivaratri events, volunteered locally and at the ashram, went on treks with fellow meditators, undertook Kailash and Southern Sojourn pilgrimages and also set up a Sannidhi at home as a living presence of my guiding light. 

Guru Parampara - Ancient and Eternal

I breathe freely and joyously today and feel that I have finally come home. All that I was blessed with by many Gurus I came in touch with over the years sits comfortably along with what I have found at Isha. It feels like that I am just picking up from wherever I had left off earlier - much earlier. For that, I am grateful to the Guru parampara that guided my journey all along.

This lineage of Gurus that came into my life at various times and stages of my life helped me to know that I found something precious and have finally arrived at home when I received the initiation through Inner Engineering. We can call it serendipity, but I call it destiny.

सदा शिव समारमभां शङ्कराचार्य मध्यमाम्॥

अस्मदाचार्य पर्यन्तां वन्दे गुरु परम्पराम्॥

sadā śiva samāramabhāṃ śaṅkarācārya madhyamām..
asmadācārya paryantāṃ vande guru paramparām..

In search of AnDAL and her Thirumozhi

    AnDAL and her unique devotion for Krishna (PerumAL) that is filled with awe, obsession, beauty and intimacy all at once has fascinated me for the last few years. It is not until recently that I came to know that the kshEtram of SrivilliputtUr was her hometown.

    I vividly recall that it was in 1983 when I first heard the name of that town. I was working in HAL, Hyderabad then and I used to ride bus #6 from home every morning. A senior colleague Sri Raghavan used to ride the same bus. When I had once asked him where he was from, he said, "SrivilliputtUr" resoundingly with almost a touch of pride. I don't know why that memory stuck in my mind for over 40 years. The name was new to me, but it sounded layered and poetic.

    My journey from that innocuous exchange to my ThiruppAvai yajnam of 2024-25 is nothing short of mysterious and filled with coincidences in retrospect. The dots were always there and were occurring at regular intervals but, the thread that connected them all wasn't all that apparent at the time.

Early Memories

    My paternal uncle was one of my many relatives based in Tamilnadu. He was a devout Srivaishnava. He and his family were frequent guests at my parents' home. He used to go about his morning routines chanting various Tamil poems. At the time, my knowledge of Tamil was close to nil, but I can recall him chanting 'PallAnDu PallAnDu PallAyirattAnDu' though I did not know then what it meant. Later, when we were in Tenali during my 5th grade, our neighbours who were devout Srivaishnavas used to send us DhanurmAsya rice prasadam every day during DhanurmAsam (MArgazhi). Aunty's name was AnDAL and her daughter's name was Goda Devi. It is incidental but, what a coincidence!

    Many years later, when our daughter's arangetram performance happened, it included a rousing finale with AnDAL's 'VAraNamAyiram' while depicting the thirukalyanam of AnDAL with PerumAL. It was a very special performance that our daughter danced with a long, fresh garland around her neck that is typical of AnDAL's iconography. That was the first time I researched AnDAL's story and timeline before writing the introduction to be announced by the MC. 

    I was briefly curious and fascinated but, that was it. It didn't seem to go anywhere. I did not know its connection to music.

Orutti MaganAi pirandu

    My initial introduction to ThiruppAvai was in 2012 when I had learnt "Orutti MaganAi" in a lilting BEhAg tune from my teacher. Many of her students learned it and my teacher had sung it in one of her annual concerts as well. The poetry and imagery that the pAsuram evoked were gripping. But that was it. I did not know that it was part of the 30 pAsurams of ThiruppAvai. I just noted in my music book that it was pAsuram #25 and moved on like I would for any number of Thiruppugazh poems that I had a chance to learn. 

    Later, during COVID 2020, when most learning was happening online, I had learnt another ThiruppAvai pAsuram #27 KuDArai from my teacher's rendition on radio when she was a child. My initial attempt at self-learning was met with her approval on my first attempt itself. These two pAsurams piqued my curiosity for the wonderful devotional poetry and the apt tunes set by Sri AriyakkuDi RAmanuja IyengAr during the 1950s. The words were somehow delectable even if I wasn't extremely clear of their meaning. But isn't that what they say about Veda mantras and their very sound?

    During the Navaratri of 2023, our very creative friends Karthik and Krishnan invited us to the Golu (arrangement of divine icons) in their beautiful farm home. The Golu was not limited a typical tiered setup alone, but it was spread over their entire home. One of their narrations on AnDAL was magical. There were give-away cards with Nachiyar Thirumozhi (I think it was "Karpooram nArumo" which I really love in Bombay Jayashri's voice) on it. The card still adorns the little Saraswati altar in my music room. I was moved and inspired by the intensity of that offering. 

    Then, in October 2023, I had a chance to see Srirangam through the nostalgic eyes of my college friend Ranga who was born and brought up in this storied kshetram. He took me and my wife on a comprehensive visit of the vast temple complex over 6 plus hours. We had an inspired satsang with his brother-in-law Sri Vasan, a retired professional serving the shrine of Sri ThonDar aDi poDi Azhwar now. We were photographed in front of VeLLai gopuram, a quiet path with coconut trees (Thennan Solai - Coconut grove) near the prAkAram (ramparts) built by Thirumangai Azhwar and Paramapada vAsal etc. I even got to sing Orutti maganAi to his mother who is devoted to Ranganatha and Srirangam. I consider that a blessing.

Initial Stirrings

    I was reflecting on my music journey in late 2024. One of my wishes that I recorded in that was my deep desire to learn the rest of the ThiruppAvai. That was the first time that I put that wish in Black and White. That somehow seemed to have shaped my desire more firmly and started to breathe life into it. 

    Later on, I expressed my wish to my teacher several times. I was considering going to Chennai to learn them all in a special workshop as she said she had not learnt the rest of them and had no plans at the time either. I was a bit crestfallen but after a few reiterations of my deep desire, she suggested that I self-learn them from the YouTube album Kodai Amudam by Archana & Arati. I had made a mental note to do that someday. My initial fancy turned into an intention that is beginning to manifest and the golden reference for learning has been identified which meant that my ThiruppAvai yajnam had formally begun. However, it continued to be on the back burner for a little longer.

Sadhana - The Learning

    In the summer of 2024, I sensed a looming hiatus in my music learning in general due to my teacher's and my own potential travel. While I did have several projects of practicing old compositions, reviving and refreshing songs I learned many years ago from my previous teachers and recording them after I reach certain fluency in rendition, a thought flashed in my mind. I thought I should start with a few pAsurams of ThiruppAvai during this break and submit them to my teacher for review when she gets back from her holiday. I am glad I did.

    I started with the very first pAsuram - 'Margazhi thingaL' in Natta which I had heard in a junior musician's concert the year before. I also felt that the raga was familiar to me since I knew a few compositions in it. It took me a week of constant listening to the nuances, recording my rendition and self-correcting my attempts. The process of recording and self-correcting has helped me sharpen my ear since I started employing it since 2020 remote learning period. Since I was learning ThiruppAvai on my own, I used the same method to learn the pAsuram, a line at a time until it flowed naturally for me. In a week, I had a recording of my rendition that I was happy with. 

    I would go about learning the rest of the pAsurams in a random sequence guided by my familiarity of the pAsuram, ragam, complexity of the tune etc. Before learning a new pAsuram, I would transcribe the lyrics into Telugu by consulting both Tamil and Telugu text references and comparing them to what was sung in Kodai Amudam apart from watching Deepa S Pillai's abhinaya videos in her The Divine Doll series to get a broader picture of what I was going to attempt. At the outset, I eased the stress on myself by reminding myself that there was no time limit to learn these. All that I cared was that I learned them, learned them well and enjoyed the process.

    I had 4 pAsurams ready for my teacher's review when she returned. A few would pass her fine-toothed comb unscathed while a few others would require some changes in the ragam, talam and/or my pronunciation. Being a non-native speaker of Tamil, I wanted to be correct in the language department for sure. Overall, I recall the exultation of getting a thumbs-up for 'Margazhi thingaL (#1), Ongi (#3), UngaL (#14), Elle (#16), Ambarame (#17), Kuttu ViLakkeriya (#19), Anru ivvulagam (#24), Vanga (SuruTi) without any revisions. For others, I would go back to the pAsurams with suggested corrections and record them again after several practice sessions depending on the complexity. I am indebted to my teacher for suggesting a wonderful reference to learn from and guiding me in the process. The reference renditions were classical, crystal clear and easy to learn from. I cannot say that about various versions that abound on the internet. 

    As I learned and recorded them, I used to send the then final versions to a few of my friends who used to humour me by listening to them and commenting on them. For one, my wife, a Balaji bhakta used to love them despite her unfamiliarity of the language. A friend, Tara used to egg me on to learn the rest by the margazhi of 2025. My stock response was that I was in no rush and was not marching to any timeline. I, of course wished that I could be ready with all before the Margazhi 2025.  All this has only helped me move forward a bit by bit.

The Signs

    During the year of learning ThiruppAvai, I met so many kindred souls along the way in the uncanniest ways and enjoyed the interactions while they lasted. I also made some effort to drop my guard a bit and even be overwhelmed by them. 

    In November 2024, stars aligned in such a way that I could visit the amazing Kanchipuram. On the very first evening of my visit, I went to the Kamakshi amman koil and on my return to the hotel, almost bumped into the UlagaLanda PerumAL koil as it sort of juts out into the road at an odd corner.

    On the second day too, I repeated my temple wanderings and stopped at the UlagaLanda PerumAL koil on my way back. It was raining quite steadily but I had an umbrella and a jacket for protection. There was very little crowd due to rain. I had the darshan of all 4 PerumALs as I did not note the names properly the day before. The garrulous priest was missing in action as other priests were preparing to close the temple down early due to inclement weather. 

    I did complete the pradakshiNam despite the rain thanks to the umbrella (the metaphor of VAmana approaching Bali with an umbrella is not lost on me here!) and collected the delicious prasAdam (Pulihora) and came back to Azhwar mandapam to pause and relish the prasadam. Just then, a magical episode happened.

    As I was enjoying the Prasadam, an old couple wanted to borrow my umbrella for doing their pradakshiNam. I let them though I was in a hurry to see an old friend in town. While I waited, I had the idea to offer all 4 new pAsurams to AnDAL who was standing there peacefully and patiently. I sang them all to her with not a soul around. Towards the end, MaNi, the security guard came to me and appreciated it and was reminiscing how he learnt them all as a teenager. I took a picture with him. God appears in mysterious ways for sure!

With MaNi who knew to recite Thiruppavai

    In January 2025, I learned that a ThiruppAvai story telling session was being presented in two parts at a private residence in North Bangalore. I was familiar with the venue as I attended a different session there earlier. I was able to attend the second ThiruppAvai session though I had to miss the first one unfortunately. It was conducted by two dancers Smt. Deepa S Pillai and Smt. Anushka as a dialogue between Sridevi and Bhoodevi. They covered pAsurams #16-#30 in the session that I attended. It was very engaging and towards the end, the host offered them the AnDAL malas that a devotee brought all the way from SrivilliputtUr. They really looked divine, and this special gesture added to the mystique of the poetry they were elucidating for all of us.

                                                        

    During that session, a painting of AnDAL was exhibited in the background. The artist of the painting, Kumari Ananya Rajesh was introduced towards the end. When I was congratulating the artist after the session, I learned that she was offering a canvas print of it for those who are interested. It did not take me long to sign up for it. Ananya along with her mother came one evening to our house and delivered it by hand. It felt like AnDAL came home. She adorns a prime spot in our house now. 

    During a trip to Visakhapatnam and Araku last year, I came to know that my friend Ravi was from a town very close to SrivilliputtUr and knew a lot about the temple and the people there. I will soon meet with him to plan my trip to The Town in the near future and hopefully offer all that I learned. 

    It all made me feel that there are signs all around to nudge me along the way even if I were a tiny bit open to whatever came my way.

MArgazhi 2025

    After some sustained learning through 2024-2025, I completed learning all 30 pAsurams of ThiruppAvai a couple of weeks before MArgazhi 2025 was to begin. Soon after, I came across Malyada series by Sri Dushyant Sridhar. He enunciates the words and explains the meaning of each pAsuram followed by a dancer's interpretation - all under 30 minutes per pAsuram. I went through it all one by one and freshly transcribed the lyrics into Telugu and captured the meaning in a nutshell by the side. That would surely be a great reference for me in future.

    I was in Chennai during December for attending the mArgazhi music season of concerts. When I am there, I become fully immersed in music by attending lecture demonstrations, katha kAlakshEpams, concerts or even reading a book on music. Now that I have just completed learning the ThiruppAvai, my heart would jump with indescribable joy whenever I listen to a pAsuram being presented as part of a concert. I listened to the day's pAsuram in one concert or the other on a daily basis.

    Much to my joy, a heritage walk that I participated in took me to Sri Parthasarathy Swamy Sabha in Mylapore. This was apparently the sabha that Sri AriyakkuDi RAmanuja IyengAr premiered his musical renditions of ThiruppAvai in the city for the first time after his initial offering at SrivilliputtUr. I also learned that it was Kanchi Maha Periyava who had requested Sri AriyakkuDi to set the ThiruppAvai to music.

    Tara (my friend who appeared earlier in the story) chose to send a link to my rendition of the day's ThiruppAvai along with a really wonderful depiction by the artist Vishnuprabha, to all her friends. She was sending the poetry, meaning and some other renditions in the previous years. It is very kind of her to offer mine instead this year. I have been forwarding her post to a few friends who receive my recordings almost on a weekly basis. I also requested my friends Karthik and Krishnan to play my renditions in their beautiful shrine daily and they happily did that. Blessings grow only exponentially, it seems!

The Last Word

    I was thinking that AnDAL came into my life just a few years ago but I recently realized that she had been there with us in our house from the beginning. We had two Tanjavur paintings with us from 1995 onwards and they have graced all our homes. We kept thinking it was Meenakshi and Krishna till we realized just recently that it was indeed AnDAL and baby Krishna. No less! It felt like she had been with us all along hoping that we will open our eyes one day!

    AnDAL is the only female Azhwar and what she wrote is considered equal to Vedam by Srivaishnavas. But to me, AnDAL brings to mind the image of a charming poet and a beautiful baby girl who is intense in her devotion to her Krishna and relentless in getting all her friends (us?) together on her life mission.

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+ It is a miracle that I was able to learn ThiruppAvai set to music. Here are my renditions. 

https://tinyurl.com/2a9vtjby

+ The Splendour of Srivilliputtur by Dr. Chitra Madhavan 

+ Amuktamalyada by Dr. Srinivas Reddy

Now, coming to think of it, I just realized that I wrote this entire blog during MArgazhi and completed it on Day 30!

The Origin Story of Music 

This is by no means a small topic that can be explained away in a short blog. I am part of an active Whatsapp group of my classmates from another era and we routinely discuss topics of this kind apart from ephemeral current affairs not including religion, politics and thankfully, sleaze. This was my considered response to an innocuous question from a curious classmate. Poor guy, he didn't know what he was in for!! :-)

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This may be a huge topic that this WhatsApp group may not be able to support. I am no musicologist; just a devoted practitioner. Since the real expert, Ramesh⁩ is only listening to the sounds of the lapping waves of the ocean right now, I will just point out a few things I know.

Carnatic music is supposed to have originated in Samaveda and many epics like Ramayana and Mahabharata also mention music ( sAmagAnam) and musical instruments like Veena. Then, there are Azhwars (vaishnavite saints) and Nayanmars ( Shaivaite saints) of likely 6th to 8th CE who poured out a profusion of devotional poetry in specific musical structures (paNn, pAsuram). Then, we jump to Annamacharya (early 15th CE) and Purandaradasa and many other dasas (15th-16th CE). Purandara set out a music pedagogy which is still used. There was Narayana teertha (17th CE), Trinity (18th-19th CE) followed by their far and wide lineage network (Parampara) that continues to spread out.

In terms of languages, all South Indian languages apart from Sanskrit find huge presence in Carnatic music. Currently, however music of all languages is Kosher especially towards the end of the concert. However, the tunes are unmistakably Carnatic but the treatment may be modern with instant appeal.

In terms of compositional elements, devotion assumes a primary focus but there are 9 types of devotion (nava vidha bhakti) which includes insult (Ninda stuti). All of them are employed apart from purely spiritual songs like those of Sadashiva Brahmendra (17th-18th CE). 

Coming to types of compositions, there is varnam (technical, intricate), Kriti ( a predominant form with 2 or 3 part structure), viRuttam or shloka in a free melodic vein, rAgam-tAnam-pallavi (one or two lines of evocative poetry set to intricate melodic and rhythmic patterns with a lot of improvisation), neRaval (one of the lines of a kriti sung in improvised melodic variations but in strict rhythm of the Kriti), swaram (improvised note patterns sung on the fly in strict rhythm of the song again), Thillana (like Tharana which is quite a foot tapping number typically.. And quite challenging to deliver). There are also just pallavis which are super hard and are a super specialization. Even erotic, shringara poetry find their place with jAvaLis set to attractive tunes. There are then Thiruppavai, Thiruppugal, Thevarams etc. set to music. They don't necessarily follow a kriti structure and are mostly re-tuned as original tunes didn't survive.

I love Dhrupad, mesmerized by its flow which reminds me of tAnam in Carnatic. But it is certainly distinct iand is supposed to have influenced Sri Muthuswami Dikshitar during his sojourn with Chidambaranatha yogi in Varanasi. I had a chance to listen to a disciple of Dagar brothers and the music has divine appeal.

Overall, both Carnatic and Hindustani have a lot of parallels till 11th CE or so but since then, Carnatic continued to thrive without external influences from outside Bharat. I surmise that Persian influences played a significant role in differentiating Hindustani music further into a distinct genre of its own.

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A Life of Miracles - Looking back on my life

A Life of Miracles

        When I look back at the six decades of my life that passed by, I am overcome with gratitude for all the miraculous inflections that nudged my life trajectory to an unknown purpose, in a clearly unconventional direction each time. 

        Several of those twists and turns were made consciously with my head and heart knowing full well that the path was a less trodden one. In fact, I continue to do that with abandon now, giving my instincts the pride of place they deserve.

        Some of the inflections that I recount below are the ones that made me who I am and how I feel today. I sincerely feel that it is the divine grace operating in my life while also giving me an unencumbered mind to recognize it at critical junctures. 

        C L A R I T Y, thy name is God!!

1. Initiation into Music

        I have been crooning the popular tunes of the day ever since I was a kid and I had even learnt a few songs from teachers, friends and acquaintances and radio. During one of our visits to our native place, I had learnt a few devotional songs from my great grandmother too. But that was it. There was no formal instruction, nor did I expressly harbour any such desires.

        When I was in 10th grade, I had once enrolled myself in a music competition for the school annual day. I had planned to sing a Telugu patriotic song - "Maa Telugu talliki malle poodanDa" (a jasmine garland for our mother Telugu).  One of the school lecturers agreed to teach me and I still distinctly remember walking to his house on the quiet rural road of VETapAlem in Andhra.  I ended up tying with another boy for the first prize, and I got to repeat the performance at the Annual day event as well.

       There was indeed music in several corners within me somewhere. However, I never really learnt anything formally until I landed up in the house opposite Rajam aunty's house in Secunderabad. My hunch is that arts were not prioritized in boys in those days.

        I would not have guessed that music would take centre stage later on in my life. Having finished Engineering and going about my HAL 'career' like an automaton, I was thrust into music lessons by my sister-in-law as she was also interested and needed some company. The three years in HAL were very demotivating for me with no incentive to learn or work hard.  

        Fortunately, during those very years, I encountered Carnatic music through Rajam aunty who has later come to be known as Om aunty. Aunty was the ex-principal of Military school and extremely well-read and well-travelled and had a passion for languages. She could speak in English, Hindi, Tamil, Telugu and in Kannada, that being her mother tongue. She was also a spiritual seeker (Sadhak).

        Until then, I was not impressed by the music I had a chance to listen to, on the radio. So, I was a bit reluctant at first. I can still recall the electric feeling when I heard pure musical notes. I could get lost in those notes as I practised.  I was hooked and was also a natural learner. There was certainly a gift that I possessed. In terms of music, those three years were like drinking at a fire hose.

        I would also read books on music theory widely, discuss with aunty and listen to a wide variety of vintage music that I had obviously missed out till then. It was like a musical awakening for me and aunty was its principal architect. 

        Aunty was more than a music teacher for me, though. I learned so much from her - be it English, communication, etiquette, deportment, chants, meditation, devotion or many beautiful episodes during her interaction with the sages of Rishikesh etc. I would spend hours with aunty and uncle after class almost daily and have dinner with them on many nights.  

        I would also hang around with seniors (thrice my age) and chant stotras, Vishnu Sahasra namam, Siva Mahimna Stotram, Nama Ramayanam, Hanuman Chalisa and bhajans etc.  It was really like a clarion call for me as a human being. 

        Meeting aunty and learning from her has been a huge blessing and a turning point in my life. I had a chance to host her once at my home in the US and meet her many times since my return to India. The fact that I was able to meet her one final time two weeks before her passing at the age of 88 and had a very deep conversation and bonded makes me feel blessed and complete. I am indebted to her for being there in my life at a critical formative stage.

        She was also instrumental in reseeding the idea of going to the US in me for MS - in a field different from Electronics.  But I did not know then that the journey in music aunty started me on would later become my very life purpose.

2. Flying away to the US

        During the final year of my engineering program, it was very common for many in my class to land admissions and scholarships to the US colleges.  On my way to college, I had studied in many schools spread across rural India and spoke English in college for the first time though some practice was there in my Intermediate (11th grade) with my Tamil friend Sriram at Loyola College, Vijayawada. Western culture, dressing and music were alien to me nor did they hold any particular attraction.  So, going to the US wasn't on my radar and besides, I had no clue why I was studying Electronics or what I would do with it in future. 

        But curiously, I was deeply attracted to languages - first English followed by Tamil. When I discovered the dictionary, my interest only grew. I would collect all the unfamiliar English words that I came across all day and look them all up and write down the meanings, etymology and context in which I found them, at the end of the day.  My excitement knew no bounds when I chanced upon those very words in the next few days. My vocabulary and understanding of English gradually took deep root.

        I would also spend much of my free time in the reference section of the college library reading books on history, world wars, astronomy, comics like Asterix, Tintin and poetry.  The fact that I was now able to understand the subtleties of the content made me even more curious.  I would later venture into classics like Shakespeare and humour a la PG Wodehouse.

        All this dalliance with English motivated me to write GRE and TOEFL exams since I enjoyed the verbal sections so much though I wasn't all that clear about what I would do with an advanced degree in Electronics. I felt quite stuck regarding the subject of my study which was done under family pressure.

        As part of my exploration of English, I enjoyed devouring books by Norman Lewis and Rosenblum. I would read books that were to be read and practiced in 6 weeks, in mere 2 days. Though I got some admissions without scholarships, I chose not to go because I did not want to drive the nail in harder by investing more time in a field that held no interest for me. Thank God for those first signs of wisdom that I did not ignore!

        I lumbered on at HAL - completely demotivated and feeling listless.  I kept it up so that I wouldn't be pushed into my brother's enterprise. I was at the receiving end of 'Fratriarchy'!! I knew I would not see light anymore if I ever let that happen.

        I was still clueless as to what lay ahead of me, but I was clear about not joining a master's program in Electronics in India or abroad just to keep myself busy. I then decided to try to get a seat in one of the IIMs and other management institutes. I tried for 2 years, wrote competitive exams, participated in group discussions etc. I received calls for around 10 interviews at the end of those two attempts. I got great practice of "putting myself out there" while going completely against my grain.  However, I did not get through any of them, but I was put on the waiting list for IIM Bangalore after my second attempt. 

        My music teacher, upon discrete prodding from my family, impressed upon me to find something else to study in the US, the promised land. All her 3 children were in the US. I found some general engineering courses like Industrial Engineering, Management Engineering and I finally got into NJIT in 1987. After securing the prized Visa to the US, I ended up getting into IIM, Bangalore finally. But, I felt that the die was already cast and the idea of going far away from family captivated me. 

   

        Despite the hardship of going so far and getting comfortable in a foreign land, I set off to the US on August 14th, 1987, and reached the US on the 15th of August (Indian Independence Day). That was the first major critical decision in my life which shaped everything that came after it.  During those first few months and years, I would discover myself, acknowledge my skills and strengths through the encouragement and appreciation of many generous professors, students and roommates I interacted with.

        In my first semester at NJIT, I had to present in one management class that I enrolled in, every week. It's something that I never did before. The professor would single me out many times pointing out my preparation, initiative and other positive traits. Another would praise my work ethic publicly. Finally, my sincere application through the entire first semester landed me the only research assistantship in my department.  I started to believe in myself and worked with redoubled zeal.

        My stint of 15 years in the US wasn't all a bed of roses. Many unsavoury experiences can be recalled but somehow, they haven't left any trace of resentment in me.  They all taught me something precious and I learnt not to unduly deprecate myself. 15 years abroad has expanded my mind, horizons and a clear sense of self and made me all the richer for it.

3. Finding my life partner

        I did this whole thing in the old-fashioned way of turning to family for help.  They 'rose to the occasion' by securing many potential suitors through media blitz and word of mouth.

        

        During the summer break of 1989, in between my graduate programs, I met my future wife on May 24 to be precise. Through a quirk of providence, she was the first in the list I met since she was a local person from Hyderabad. 

        She struck me as confident, upfront (not bashful), intelligent, articulate and beautiful. I left with a very nice feeling and hoped that she would agree.  The next 10 days were gruelling as we didn't hear even a whimper from them. I was adamant that I would not like to see anyone else until they got back in the negative.  I didn't like the idea of shopping around and creating a short list of 'candidates'. I stuck to my guns and went with my gut feeling of how I felt in her presence. That became the foundation for the very important decision in my life.

        Upon some prodding from a common acquaintance, we found out that they were waiting on us to get back to them. Typical Indian gridlock! I met her on June 2nd for the second time at their home again and was able to grab a few minutes to speak privately with her about my interests and my shortcomings since I really wanted to be transparent with her from the get-go and build the foundation on truth.

        We married on June 26th after 'dating' post facto and getting to know each other more during the interim period. To this day, what I value about our relationship is the ethics, integrity, transparency, intelligence and passion and love and light that she brings to me and family and in fact, any gathering she is in. The rest is history, as they say!

4. Homebound

        I started my PhD program after my marriage. I was in a new state, new college, new program and had a new car and a new partner. We set up our home tastefully within our budget. Money was tight but enough. After completing the program in 3 years, I walked right into recession. Jobs were hard to come by. After a nerve-wracking 8 months of job search, I got a job with Intel after a botched attempt at another company. That company, incidentally, is no more!

        Work moved us to bucolic Portland, Oregon - a place where we had a great time for over 8 years. Portland's rustic small town feel and verdant open spaces and flowers and berries were wonderful for us.  A friend, Ann we met introduced us to many good things of life in the US - gardens, farmers markets, cuisines, baking, jamming, brunches. We would be in each other's garden almost on a daily basis. We would drink lots of tea and the ladies would make lots of jams and cook.  

        10 years and two kids later, I had a chance to grow Intel India operations from the US. Even then, I had no inkling of moving back to India. In fact, when my manager asked me if I was interested in a new manager position in India, I flatly refused.  In my continued work with Intel India, a strong longing started to emerge in me to move back home to India while giving the kids the substantial grounding and the India experience.  Planets aligned and wife/kids reluctantly agreed, and I returned home with a new job in a new area under a new manager.

        The initial years were tough for my wife and kids though I glided into the familiar Intel environment despite many quirky Indian touches to working in Intel India.  It also had its own brand of politics.  I moved around through 5 jobs in 10 years. While it wasn't all smooth sailing, I haven't regretted my decision ever.

        I liked the smells, sounds and the informality of India. We made many lifelong friends who had also moved back just like us and stayed put. My wife was presented an opportunity to own and run a floral enterprise. It was a no-brainer that she took it as horticulture and plants were always her passions.  Kids developed a strong bond with India though they have since moved to other climes to experiment with their education and career choices.  

        We continue to be here, and it is well-nigh impossible for us to move 'back' to the US and despite our many visits to the promised land, US holds absolutely no attraction for us.  In fact, kids encourage us to stay back since they see us so happy with meaningful lives and beautiful friendships.  

        Looking back, this decision was done more with heart than head and that is probably why it continues to make me happy whatever the numbers may be. In my heart of hearts, I want to merge with the soil of Bharat when the final moments do finally arrive. 

5. F.I.R.E. (Financial Independence Retire Early)

        These days, when I meet new people, the question of what I do comes up invariably. I often respond that I am trying my best not to do much.

        But, seriously though, I always knew that a life of retirement for me would never be a nightmare filled with dreadful vacuum.  I always enjoyed solitude, and my passions for reading, writing, music, gardening, yoga and spiritual pursuits etc. I really had no idea in what specific form they would occupy my time.  That's why I often quip that I was born to retire.  The life of assumed identities of the world didn't ever matter much to me beyond a point.  Perhaps, I have gradually grown out of them. If I recall correctly, my challenge during my working years was to know how not to be invisible and to keep jutting into the foreground to fit corporate norms for a senior leader.  That was a phase!

        The idea of retirement was hence not alien to me and has, in fact crossed my mind often.  In fact, for about 2 years before my retirement from a lucrative job, I have actively considered it by reviewing my finances against estimated expenses while accounting for our combined life spans.  I felt that the idea was not that far-fetched if I monetized some of the assets and lived in peace. But I was not yet clear when exactly to hang up my boots as the kids had not even finished high school by then. 

        The universe finally decided that for me by giving me a gentle push. That was how it felt when I received an email from work in the summer of 2012. I was in the USA after dropping my eldest daughter in a US college and was visiting our friends in Houston. I was just synching up my work emails just to see how the rest of the world was holding up without me!  I was already on leave for several weeks by then. 

        The moment I saw that email which presented me a royal, lucrative way of retiring, my blink response was that it was Godsend. I could not believe that this nudge from the universe was real. I did not imagine this type of a situation at all in my analysis thus far.  I really did not need to do any further analysis to be able to decide my next steps.  

        I must thank my wife who supported me in this critical decision though she had her share of doubts and fears since people don't often retire like this if they don't have to - surely, not when both kids haven't even completed their college and they themselves barely turned 50. 

        I was never of the type of polling a whole lot of friends and family regarding such personal decisions since I feel they, especially family, doesn't really know me or what drives me.  My mother who was alive then, was quizzical but otherwise, did not create a whole lot of fuss.

        I was on cloud 9 in the month or two I still had with Intel after the decision was submitted to Intel and it has been communicated to the rest of the organization. My final day at Intel was Dec 2nd, 2012.  I joined a yoga retreat that was happening in our own home from the very next day.  I was whole heartedly into what I was learning as my body and mind felt free to take on whatever might come my way.

        I have never once regretted my decision to retire early.

6. The Second Innings

        In my primary career, my main objective was to take advantage of a few of my strengths and provide for the family.  However, that phase ended when I chose to retire from Intel.  When we let go of such conventional constraints, we feel free. In my farewell lunch at work, a colleague asked me as to what I planned to do once I ride off into the Sunset.  I told him what was on my mind - that I wanted to write and wanted to see if anyone would pay for it.

        During the first year or two, I spoke to a few of my creative and writer friends and that led to a few other business connections. I later worked for a content creation agency and also did a few ghost-writing gigs for over 10 companies for 6 years on a free-lance basis.  I was never busy with work for more than 3 to 4 hours a day; I was just mildly occupied. During that stint, I enjoyed the magic I could do with words. Words and languages were my passions for over 40 years and so, it all came easily to me. 

        I was mostly writing on Technology and business and the format ranged from whitepapers, websites, case studies, monographs to even blurbs. 

        This was not certainly extremely lucrative by any means but that did not matter to me.  I just enjoyed transforming ideas into words, abstracting clients' thoughts into significant statements and bringing my own personal work experience to my writing. So, it was great joy to work without the bother of economics. 

        It was good while it lasted and I had finally retired from my second career as well after 2020. 

Encounter with Sadhguru

        I did not know about Sadhguru or Isha Foundation till 2014. I did not watch any of his videos or know of his work.  But I vividly remember seeing a long-bearded sadhu on a TV panel discussion many years ago and being impressed at his clarity and communication.  He was engaging with 'intellectuals' during that discussion and seeing a sadhu in that setting taking on mundane issues felt strange enough that it stayed in my memory. 

        My actual major encounter with Sadhguru was dramatic to say the least.  A vendor that my wife worked with impressed on my wife that both my wife and me would benefit from the Isha Inner Engineering program and in fact, suggested we do that separately.

        

        My wife told me about it on the same evening and urged me to sign up for it as she knew that I was looking for a structured yoga program for some time.  In fact, for the whole 2 years after my exit from corporate career, I have been literally praying for it daily - to have a yoga regimen that will grow and evolve with me till the very end.  I didn't know what it was and did not even search for it on google as I am not big on Internet search for things like this. 

        So, when I heard this suggestion from my wife, I instantly looked up the Isha website and found that there was a Tamil program - a retreat of 3.5 days at the Isha Yoga Centre - happening that very month.  I signed up for it as I did not want to wait a few more months for the next English program. I could not even understand the urgency that was driving me like this but, all I can say now is that the driving force was from without.

        I had no idea of the extent of the ashram temples and activities or what I would find there.  As it was a retreat, the program took place in the Nalanda cottage premises, a beautiful and comfortable space expressly designed for the ultimate program experience and effectiveness.  The program is intelligently christened as Inner Engineering which would satisfy our overly logical minds and what was transmitted there was Shambhavi Mahamudra kriya as part of the initiation on the final day. I realized I had difficulty understanding some Tamil words, but the teacher and co-participants were very accommodating.

        At first, I was very sceptical about the many temples - Dhyanalinga, Lingabharavi there in that I saw them as religious rituals. In some corner, I was resisting that as the rituals I was exposed to as a child were found to be hollow superstitions and did not impress me much.  I was conflicted though I wanted to follow what was being suggested.

        Looking back at my own unbroken journey with Isha over the last 11 years, it all seems to fit into an invisible divine puzzle when I think of how the word about Isha yoga came to me and the urgency with which I acted on it.

        For me now, the runway ahead looks clear and purposeful. It also feels like that it was a reminder for what was once familiar to me in a forgotten corner of myself from the long-gone past.

        Many people analyze the activities of Isha and Sadhguru critically and pose the seeming discrepancies to me and challenge me to explain them.  My answer to them is always that all I know is what I have received from Isha/Sadhguru and how it has clarified many things and benefitted me in ways beyond imagination. It is not for me to have an opinion on everything and everyone and I just stick to what I have personally experienced. Other than that, I really feel like I have come home, finally!

My Anchor - My Purpose

        Post retirement life can be an unhinged experience, especially for one who worked all of one's life and lived for one's work.  Though I don't harbour any qualms about not doing 'anything', free time can lose its charm after a year or two. A sense of purpose will make a person look forward to everyday with curiosity, expectation and interest.  Else, complacency and listlessness may take over. If you let that state fester, it could even lead one to the brink of depression.

        I happened to discover yoga the day after I quit regular corporate work.  It certainly had immediate physical results. I could feel body getting toned barely after a week of daily yoga. Two years later, I got initiated into Isha yoga completely by chance (which I call a miracle) which kept me going. I wasn't feeling purposeless anymore but the risk of it might not have been very far.

        My relationship with yoga has also evolved over the years. I used to do yoga at 1 pm since I found it a challenge to keep an empty stomach condition. Gradually, the routine settled down to a routine of ablutions, shower and yoga and the topic of food doesn't come up until after that. 

        I kept up the learning of Carnatic music all along and the thread never broke for too long. I felt that my music learning didn't end as long as there was an unfinished song. 

        In 2018, my mother suddenly fell very ill. She was diagnosed with a virulent brain tumour which was a terminal condition. Doctors gave her few days or months at the most.  She was diagnosed in Bangalore and was taken to Hyderabad later for her final journey.  Dementia had already set in but her love and longing for music remained strong.

        I would spend her final days singing to her and she would have many special requests. At other times, I also had a continuous play list of her favourites playing in her room and continued that even after she lost complete awareness after a month.

        When certain songs played like 'Kurai ondrum illai', she would spontaneously raise her hands in supplication to the invisible God. I saw how music played such a huge role in her final days keeping her in touch with her core self even if brain was quite disjointed. In her last month, she lost all faculties, but music survived still. That struck a very deep chord in me.

        A few months later, sometime in 2019, I decided to just focus on learning music compositions while sidestepping technical elements such as alapana, neraval, swaram which did not come to me naturally and easily.   My teacher supported the idea, thankfully.  I decided to practice daily at 4pm and not fritter away the gift of music.

        "Music is indeed meditation", Sri M says.  Even if I can't concentrate or meditate in silence for long, I can at least sing and treat that as my meditation. 

        Consistent practice and focused learning have worked wonders and have made my voice better, learning deeper and more intuitive and the joy of singing greater. I have my mother's picture watching over me in my music room, perhaps as a sign of the miracle of music that manifested with renewed vigour in my life. It feels like it is her final gift to me. There are several things - baking, gardening, yoga, reading and writing that I do, but music is indeed my anchor and the purpose in my final innings.

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