Passing of a Generation
Last Arrival
I distinctly
remember September 15th of 2018. That’s the day Amma travelled by
herself to Bangalore, one last time. She successfully remembered to call me as
soon as she landed, to everyone’s surprise. But, she was staring blankly when I
received her at the gate. I started
wondering a little. When we reached the car parking area, she was enquiring if
we lived close by. Considering that she traversed this tedious route so many
times, I felt something was amiss. The fact that airport is not close to Whitefield seemed to have emptied itself out
of her memory.
As we got
into our car and rode the long road home, she was reminiscing all the good
times she had with her grandchildren and great grandchildren and how much my
father has missed all the fun. When we
finally reached home and got out of the car, she headed straight towards a
neighbour’s house. I made a mental note
to watch out for her without her feeling monitored.
Twists, Turns and some Blind Spots
The
oddities and possibilities only increased in frequency and variety as the long
week inched relentlessly forward. She would lock herself out, forget where she
was, get ready to go upstairs for the spiritual discourses and she would
repeatedly ask where our children are and if they are coming down for dinner
with us. The fact that the kids are in the US escaped her and we never bothered
to correct her too aggressively.
However, it is quaint now to think that she would constantly check on
what her granddaughters took to school for lunch. Alas, they were not in school
anymore!
Our
conversations would go on like this on things real and imagined. Whenever we
chose to correct her, she would just nod but not resist the contrarian
evidence! She was very confused, anxious but was patient, introspective and
graceful waiting for the clouds to lift somehow. She even took the accidental
fall due to head being skewed by the insidious tumour that was raging silently
in her brain.
Later on,
when she totally lost it with not able to figure out the mechanics of the
toilet and even getting hurt one early morning mistaking a closet for a door,
we knew WE needed help in taking care of her. We knew we needed to stop our
logical analysis of her symptoms and bow down to what may be lying in store for
us.
The Last Stop
We rushed
to the nearby Columbia Asia hospital’s ER on September 24th, 2018.
Barely a few hours and two inconvenient MRIs later, the bombshell was dropped.
“She has a particularly virulent brain tumour growing into both sides of her
brain and we won’t be able to do much. She may have 3-6 months or none at all”,
said the ER doctor-in-charge. She was immediately admitted to the hospital for
stabilizing her a little with heavy steroids. Thank God for them!
The next 3
days in the hospital were probably the best days of her last lap. She was
feeling lighter in the head but did not have the capacity or determination to
know or understand what is happening. She was very cheerful and was enjoying
the droves that filed through her comfortable suite. She wanted to feed them
all as she probably imagined that she was at home. She even recited some
recipes in elaborate detail. We humoured her, of course! She spoke to all her global grandchildren and
those who could not come to see her. She never once taunted them, “How come,
you are not here?” Toilet and movement
were becoming progressively hard, but, that did not deter her from enjoying a
few good days that she was blessed with.
She made
one final whizz by our home, albeit in a cautionary ambulance. We decorated our place, Pooja room (the room
she spent most time in) with fresh jasmines and had a grand breakfast with her
at the head of the table. Lots of pictures were taken, greetings exchanged and
several neighbours walked in to see her, one last time. She must have been
feeling a little better and was walking with light support and would even quip
with our domestic help by remembering and calling her by her name. She said
that she wanted to let her know she still remembered. Clever and determined
till the last!
Final Journey
We then
pushed our way to Sainikpuri, Secunderabad where she spent most of last 30
years in in the same ambulance to be with her during the remaining length of
her final push to the other side! The next 45 days were intense for all of us; as
we all came to terms with the reality and her end that was staring at us, in
our distinct ways.
During
these 45 days, we celebrated birthdays, Diwali, sang and played a LOT of music,
tried miracle drugs, and pampered her. But, we could not stop her from moving
forward on her solitary journey. She slipped into oblivion towards the end,
completely unavailable to the outside world. We would still talk, sing and pray
in her room confident that she would be aware in some corner of her being. I would make many visits to Secunderabad and staying
several days at a stretch each time. We
would all rush to her side whenever she woke up and opened her eyes.
The end
seemed interminable but, it came swiftly enough during the early hours of
November 16th, 2018. She received a few precious drops of Gangajal
before she breathed her last with a few of her dear ones by her side.
In the End
It’s
already a year since her passing. Not many days go by without us reminiscing
about her memories and her quips. Some of us would try her recipes lovingly
written on a few scraps of paper. One
thing is for sure; I know that she has touched many during her 82 years when I
see the person who helps in our cooking offers her picture a few flowers daily,
without fail.
Though thoughts of her are still tender and eyes readily well up, she and her personality seem like a dream now,
alive only in our memories. Sometimes,
the reality is elevating; at other times, it’s uncomfortable. But, aren’t our own
lives wakeful dreams as well?
