I have crooned for as long as I can remember. As a child in the mid '70s, I couldn't resist humming a tune especially if it was a good, catchy one. When we used to go to see a cinema, I would insist that my father buy the song books that used to be sold along with samosas and other snacks.
Most of my childhood memories begin in the town of TenAli when I was in my 5th grade. We used to be able to listen to the dialogues and music coming from the Venus Theatre if we went up to the rooftop in the evening and then that would repeat during the second show. Once a popular and a hit movie called 'Sri Krishna Vijayam' was being screened there for over 100 days which meant that we could hang on to those dialogues, verses (Padyalu) and songs during all that time. I still remember some verses and songs, like the one SatyabhAma would launch into when she gets angry with Sri Krishna, from that movie.
A few years later, we moved to VeTapAlem which is about 6 km from the sea coast of the Bay of Bengal during my 9th and 10th grade years. My sister's friend, also a family friend, Gowri akka who had a wonderful voice would encourage me by teaching some songs and bhajans such as SivakAnta Sambho and Tani KhAyee KhAyee bol sunAvA. She had a tuneful and bell-like voice. I still sing those songs quite faithfully.
I had 'influenced' my parents to buy me a cassette recorder available usually in the 2-in-1 format (with integrated Radio) which was a rage then. They bought it in the Burma Bazar of the then Madras. I used to do several experiments recording and editing various voices including mine in the few limited ways it could be done.
When there is a song in you, none can stop it, can they? For one of our school annual day competitions, I had worked on a state patriotic song "Maa Telugu Thalliki" with the help of one of my teachers. The annual day function was conducted on one late evening, I recall. The school was a stone's throw from our house, but, strangely no one from the family attended my live singing for the competition. Another kid had sung a Telugu Christian song for the competition. We were both adjudged joint winners of the First Prize. I still remember that I was given a fountain pen and a book of Vemana's poems as the prize.
My dalliance with film music continued through my junior college and Engineering degree at REC, Trichy. I used to enroll for elocution and music competitions and I would sing some of the classical music-based songs from Hindi and Telugu movies. 'Maanasa VeeNa Madhu Geetam' from America Ammayi was one of them.
Through all these experiences, I remember being turned off by any Carnatic music I may have heard on the radio. It was never my aspiration as I wasn't exposed to 'good' classical music other than a few stock songs from my mother. I had heard some of it at home when my sisters were forced to learn but they didn't follow through. Most of the music on the Radio was uninspiring and hence never figured in my list of aspirations.
Initiation
Given that context, I was initially reluctant when my Sister-in-law (SIL) suggested that I learn Carnatic music from an aunty in the opposite house. My SIL wanted some company to learn with. I remember singing 'MarugElara' from the movie SankarAbharaNam smugly in an informal audition of sorts. Aunty was gracious enough to not point out any of my lapses.
One fine evening, I started my classes with Aunty - Smt. Rajam Rao or Rajalakshmi Rao, wife of Brig. R. R. Rao who used to live in a palatial house opposite ours in the tranquil, leafy neighbourhood of Sainikpuri in Secunderabad. I went in cagily at first and started with SaraLi varasalu (Simple swara sequences). Something about the purity of those swaras struck me deeply. I was an instant convert. That was 1983 right after graduating from REC.
During 1983-87, my career was at a low ebb and was devoid of purpose, meaning or excitement. I used to feel like a square peg in a round hole. All that vacuum was however quickly filled when music, bhajans and chanting of Vishnu Sahasranamam, Hanuman Chalisa and Nama Ramayanam etc came rushing in. We used to have a small devoted group of friends of Aunty and Uncle who used to meet to chant these together. It would often be followed by beautiful meditation led by Aunty. She had a magnetic personality and could spread her own love and devotion like a magic blanket over all of us. I certainly felt comforted and protected by that.
Aunty, who was later to be christened as Om Aunty by my nephews and niece, was also a disciple of Swami Sivananda of The Divine Life Society, Rishikesh. She used to sing from the bhajan tradition of Sivananda Ashram mellifluously with a lot of devotion. I was smitten by that magic and hence, used to spend time with a number of elders during those formative years.
There were also times when Aunty and Uncle used to travel to the USA for many weeks to visit their 3 sons and their families. During those weeks, I used to house-sit for them. I used to stay there, read there, meditate in their puja room, take their pet Leo (a Cocker spaniel) for walks, sleep and shower there. I used to come home only for meals. It was all uncontroversial as my sister-in-law was understanding and the rest of the family with demands on my time were busy or living elsewhere. That was the time during which I virtually devoured a number of books on music (Prof. P. Sambamoorthy etc.) and spirituality (by Swami Sivananda (a loving Guru and a prolific author) and Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa etc.
I used to discuss many of these topics with Aunty at length as I had many questions. The immersive experiences I had during those years were instrumental in shaping the rest of my life. That was pretty much a 4-year tapas (Penance) and Seva (Service) with a single-minded focus.
I think aunty was also happy to have an eager and receptive young student in me who wanted so much of what she had in her. I do not believe that her own children received as much from her. It helped as well since I did not have much else going on in my life and I was young and unentangled! Our classes would often go on for hours while ending with dinner with them on many a night. They used to have a wide variety of fresh and left-over food which I used to help uncle with in preparing and clearing. We would continue to talk late into the night or chant something after dinner.
I distinctly remember one late night when I was learning 'Nindati Chandana', a Jayadeva Ashtapadi in Darbari Kanada based on the reference of Bombay Sisters. The lofty tune with loftier poetry along with the harmonium aunty used to play might have hit a crescendo one night that we got some complaints from neighbours on the next morning! The voices obviously travelled a long distance on those straight roads of Sainikpuri in the still of the night!
During those 4 years of my life, I was initiated into classical Carnatic music, learnt several Geetams (short songs by major composers which provide a succinct introduction to several ragas), Kritis and light classical songs from whichever new albums that I fancied. I also learnt many nuances of the English language and the art of communication from Aunty. Music filled my life from 0 to infinity during those magical years.
The Hiatus As my listless job at HAL was getting to me and obviously others too, I did what I did best - to study and write several competitive exams for MBA of all kinds, not sparing even Forestry and Rural Management. I think I wore the exams out more than they wearing me out! On a lark, I also applied to business colleges in the USA after writing GMAT and TOEFL. I used to enjoy the verbal part and score better in it than in Quantitative. Finally, I decided to go to the USA to study interdisciplinary programs in Engineering and Management instead of General Management to maximize my chances for financial aid. That meant that I needed to write GRE a couple more times. As a sort of final redemption, I got into the prized IIM, Bangalore, but not before I got mentally ready to go to NJIT, USA for MS in Engineering Management and had a visa in hand to boot. I did not budge from my resolve to go away a long distance from home just so that I can clear my head a bit and be myself. I would learn much later that the decision turned out to be the best one for me as the experience while doing something is more important than WHAT we actually do. WHAT is always incidental and just a detail! Journey over Destination!
However, that decision meant not much scope for continuing with my music. That barren phase in my music journey continued for at least a decade. However, singing did not stop completely as I used to sing a few from my tiny repertoire at various Indian Associations (Telugu, Kannada sangha, Tamil etc.). There was some self-learning too of simpler songs that I felt were accessible.
Aunty visited us in Arizona after my marriage in 1989 in her only visit to my house. She taught me several Kritis during that time. 'Kaligi unte kada' by TyAgarAja in Keeravani and 'Thomthadare' by Poochi Srinivasa Iyengar in Kaanada from those days are still green in my memory. The learning did not match my earlier phase as I was married, living away from home and was studying my Ph.D at ASU. But, I am thankful for those times with aunty.
After getting my first job at Intel during recession of the early '90s, I used to commute to North Phoenix, 45 minutes each way. I found a teacher Smt. Padma Sivaswamy along that route. But, somehow, that didn't last.
When we moved to Portland, OR in 1994, I joined a small private group called 'Saptaswara' as their sole male voice. We used to meet every Sunday for practice and learning and would also perform together on various occasions. Most of them were not trained musicians, but, they were very enthusiastic. During that time, I had a chance to learn group singing of Tyagaraja Pancharatna Kritis (modelled after Sri Maharajapuram Santanam) for the annual Tyagaraja Aradhana. I still sing those after making some alterations for the version modelled after Sangeeta KaLAnidhi Sri D.K. Jayaraman in the current group.
In 1995, there was an opportunity to learn from Smt. Indira Menon, a disciple of Sri S. Ramanathan in Portland, OR. I learnt over 10 songs (Thiruppugazh, Tyagaraja, Narayana Teertha etc.) I practice those till today and they have remained etched in my memory. In fact, I am in Whatsapp touch with aunty who lives in Chennai.
It was good fun for 4 years till 1999 when I finally took the plunge to restart my formal Carnatic music learning from the legendary VaiNika and Vocalist Smt. Sreevidhya Chandramouli. I don't know why I waited that long to restart my journey in music on a serious note though I had known and interacted with Sreevidhya from 1994.
I still remember Sreevidhya commenting that she found natural melody lacking in my voice and wasn't sure why. She later realized that I was singing in the wrong shruthi. My natural shruthi changed from F# to B. I was fully aware of the great fortune of having a legendary teacher like Sreevidhya, a 10th generation Karaikkudi bANi VaiNika, living a mere 10 minutes away from my home through serene backroads. Over the next four years, I learnt a lot from her and am happy to note that I still sing almost all of what I learnt from her. It is also my bhAgyam that I was able to learn a couple of Kritis from her mother Late Smt. Rajeswari Padmanabhan (a Kalakshetra teacher and a 9th generation Karaikkudi bANi Vainika). I still sing those songs as well - 'Sri Hari Vallabhe' in Suddha Dhanyasi (Mysore VAsudEvAchar) and 'Kripa Joochutaku' in Chaya TarangiNi (TyAgarAja).
Homebound
I made a snap decision in 2001 to move back home to India and engineered the big move finally in January 2002. Apart from moving countries, jobs, and domains, the company thankfully remained the same. The decision did seem like a huge deal for our friends in the US, but, for me, it was crystal clear and continues to be so till today.
Despite all these changes around me, I was still very intent on continuing my music journey in this blessed land of divine music and culture. Sreevidhya requested a student, Sri Sankaranarayanan of her mother, Rajeswari maami to help me out. He was a sweet, soft-spoken man. He heard me sing 'Amba Sourambha' (Arabhi) and later took me along to meet Smt. Satyavathi, a disciple of Sangeeta Kalanidhi Sri R.K. Srikantan, in Rajajinagar.
She had a class going on at that time and I could hear the pleasing strains of Tambura in the background. She however recommended that I go and see her Guru Sri R.K. SrikanTan Sir because of male shruthi.. Srikantan sir was living in Guttahalli in North Bangalore. He took me in as I don't think he was very selective. He is capable of teaching anyone with his clear, no-frills music known for Shruthi purity, clear enunciation and adherence to tradition. His voice was as transparent as pure water and needed no further adornments. I learnt a couple of varnams - Saveri and Pantuvarali, but, it used to be quite a drive from Whitefield even 20 years ago. He would sometimes lean on me for driving him to some of his concerts and speaking engagements. He was over 80 when I learnt from him. Eventually, in 2004, I had to discontinue classes with Sir because of the long distance. I really wish now that I had learnt some rare dAsara padas from him. That would have been a precious capsule of his legendary music that I could have preserved in my voice and heart.
I continued my music lessons with Smt. Savitha Kartikeyan, a disciple of Sangeeta Kalanidhi Sri D.K.Jayaraman. My colleague Muthu whose two daughters were learning from Savitha, connected me to her. When we went to meet her in Golden Enclave on old Airport Road close to Intel office, I clearly remember that she was humming Kharaharapriya. As they were about to move to Palm Meadows in Whitefield, I started my classes with her there. Again, as my luck would have it, I was just 10 minutes from her home. I would often ask for classes during my work lunch time and practice with a tape in the car while driving. I always wanted to have music as a constant thread in my life irrespective of how busy I was otherwise. It was slow but, was surely present.
Early Retirement
When planets aligned to make my wish to retire early came true in 2012, I only wanted to have enough time for exercise, writing and music. I had been ready to retire for a long time!
But, I often entertained some doubts about what the purpose of my learning was - the so-what of it. It was clear that I was not preparing to get on the concert stage at my age and capability. My music learning was surprisingly infrequent despite all the time at my disposal then either due to difficulties in scheduling classes or my own lack of purpose and practice. However, music learning never stopped but continued to hobble along.
Amma's Passing
In 2018, my mother travelled to my home all alone despite all the mix-ups plaguing her due to neurological issues, on what was to be her last flight. Her situation quickly leapt from one difficult situation to another. Finally, the diagnosis of her terminal brain tumour came as a bolt from the blue. We took her back to Secunderabad while her issue was held at bay with steroids. She left us after 2 months while closing out the passing of her generation, but not before triggering in me, some revelations about the role, music can have in one's life.
In the first month, she was more conscious though still somewhat unaware of her location or affliction. It was fortunate that she was still able to enjoy music deeply. I would have a 24-hour play list of devotional and Carnatic music going continuously by her side. I would also sing many songs to her and she would often ask me for specific songs. I still recall how she broke into rapturous applause on listening to my 'TheerAda ViLaiyATTu PiLLai', a gem of Sri Subramania BhAratiyAr.
However, she fell into a coma the moment she was off steroids and never opened her eyes again from that stupor. We would still play her favourites continuously as we felt certain that music resonated deep inside her being even though all other senses were failing. This continued till she finally passed 'peacefully' in the early hours of 16th, November 2018.
What struck me the most then was the critical role that music played in her final days. Music preserved the connection she had with her core self in tact. It perhaps carried her to the other side by holding her hand without too many bumps during the final transition.
A few months after that, I rededicated myself to music by resolving to focus only on compositional music in stead of wrestling with the development of various technical elements necessary for the concert stage. I loved the beauty of poetry, melody, devotion and the wonder of history that music evoked in me. It was fortunate that my teacher Savitha agreed with my decision as well.
I also started practicing at 4 PM daily and my learning became steadier. Daily practice showed in the ease and joy of my music.
Pandemic - A Game Changer
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit the world in March 2020, it gave a new twist for the better to my music. I was learning 'O Jagadamba' in Ananda Bhairavi, a Syama Sastri's classic then. I started to learn the remaining song line by line in many iterations through Whatsapp with my teacher, Savitha. The laser focus and rapt attention in the Whatsapp medium was a new experience for me when compared with physical classes that were few and far between. When I finally learnt the song successfully, it gave a new impetus for my subsequent learning during the pandemic and continues till today.
I started learning many diverse magnum opuses like 'RanganAyakam' in NAyaki, 'Cetah Sri' in DwijAvanti and popular songs like 'BrOchEvArevarurA' in KhamAs and several others like Tunbam NErgayil, Bruhi MukundEti etc. My list of songs to learn was long and the learning was relentless. It opened a new and a more flexible mode of learning which could beat the scheduling issues with physical classes. Consistent practice also helped my music a great deal. In contrast, my progress and learning were spotty at best when the physical classes were the norm before the pandemic.
Savitha rarely compliments me since she probably sees many areas that need perfection in my music. It is actually as well since 'not yet perfect' means there is a purpose and path ahead for my music without the baggage of too much pride or complacency. There were several times she said that my music started blossoming. Relentless practice, learning and newfound dedication certainly made a huge difference. I remember many specific instances: BrOchEvArevarurA swara passage, Sri VEnkaTa GirISamAm' (SuruTi), Sri RanganAyakam (NAyaki), Pankaja lOchana (KalyANi) and Mandhir Kugandadu (Sindhu Bhairavi) evoked her spontaneous positive affirmation for my attempts.
That was the time as well when I started recording each current and old song after several practices till I got one successful rendition as error-free as possible. In fact, one good recording is the mark of closure of my learning of any song. It also serves as my future reference. It was during that time that my teacher gave me a Student-of-the-Month commendation and shared the video recording of my Sri RanganAyakam across all of Parampara, our music school ecosystem. I had also started sharing the recordings of my renditions to a few interested friends and family. It would gladden some of them and they sometimes let me know how they felt.
Overall, my resolve to focus only on compositional music in order to immerse myself in their lyrical beauty, poetry, rhythm, mythological nuggets, philosophical truths, wisdom and Bhakti (devotion) started sowing its precious seeds deep into my being. Performance ceased to be my focus, if there was any of that lingering need for adulation. I hope these seeds will sprout and grow even when everything around me may be failing. I have seen it live in my mother's precious final days. In fact, I feel she left me an effective lesson even as she passed.
My Music Today
I learn music today rain or shine, in town or out with a sense of urgency. There is an urgency because I am aware that my time is limited. I am not sure how many years I will still have with the ability to know, hear, learn and sing.
I try to motivate myself with various projects and treat them as Yagnas. I am working on Pancha bhuta linga yagnam which started in the late '90s with my learning of 'Jambupate' (The element of Apam/Water) and ArunAchala (The element of Agni/Fire). I had learnt AnandAmrita (The element of AkaSa/Space) a decade ago and have just finished learning Chintaya (The element of Prithvi/Earth) and I am on the home stretch now and will need to learn Sri KALahastISa (The element of Vayu/Air) next.
I also would like to get started on ThiruppAvai yagnam. I know only 2 of 30 with a long road ahead to tread. It is a deep desire and I hope to realize it one day.
I also enhance my regular learning by reviving songs I had learnt from as far back as 40 years with my many teachers over the years. I am going through them composer by composer to give my reviews a theme. I listen to the teacher's reference a few times, practice it over several days, record it and self-correct it several times before making one good, final recording which I share with friends and family and post some of those on my YouTube channel as the closure. It of course does not mean I will remember them for ever. Music needs constant practice to stay in the foreground.
What Music Means to Me
I like to learn music just for the sake of learning without missing a beat till my time is up. I feel it is the best preparation I can do for my final moments so that they are charged, intense and deeply meaningful. Though I do feel happy to receive validation from other mortals, I am trying wean myself from it or not place too much value on it. Though it is considered a performing art, I try to conduct my music learning and practice to not depend on it for it to be complete. I consider an occasional performance opportunity to be a fitting avenue for the art but not essential. As Sri M says, music is meditation. I derive huge inspiration from that since meditation does not otherwise come easily.
When I reflect on the series of legendary lineages that I came into contact with, through my teachers - Rajalakshmi Rao aunty, Sreevidhya Chandramouli, Indira Menon, R.K. Srikantan and Savitha Kartikeyan - I am moved by the good fortune bestowed on me in this short life. It is a blessing that they also chose to share their precious music with me. I distinctly sense the blessings of Sri Saraswati as the kind of opportunities that came by my way are simply phenomenal and could only be attributed to the magic of divine providence. All my teachers are exceptional, sincere and humbly carry the torch of sublime music and all its traditions. It is one of the miracles of my life that I sat at their feet, but was acutely aware of its preciousness even as I lived those moments.
Music is a divine vibration of longing and striving of many noble souls that came before us. It expresses the essence of my deepest self. It is perhaps the deepest I can go within, at the moment. It is my daily offering. It is a gift that I do not want to fritter away. One day, when everything about me and around me has gone numb, I hope and pray that my being resonates to music in some corner of it. I hope that I will feel comforted and nourished by the protective envelope of divine vibrations that follow in its wake.
It is a journey that I hope will continue at some level till the end and hopefully beyond.
__________________________
My current teacher Smt. Savitha Kartikeyan's YouTube Channel
PantuvarALi varnam by Sangeeta KaLAnidhi Sri R K SrikanTan
Smt. Sreevidhya Chandramouli's Recordings on YouTube
Smt. Indira Menon's NavAvaraNa Kriti album on Spotify
My YouTube Channel serving as an archive of some of my learning
(Caveat: All errors in any of my renditions are entirely mine)
